It's about a guy, and something happens...

Chili Cookoff

2009-03-19T16:20:00.002-04:00

Wow, I hadn't realized how long I'd left my blog dormant until visiting it today and seeing June '08 as the date on the last post. My bad. I wanted to recount the story of today's chili cook-off and figured, "Where better place to do so than my long-defunct blog?"

Anyway, my company has a chili cook-off every year on the first day of the NCAA tournament. It's pretty awesome...lots of people bring in chili, then everyone gets to vote for winners in three categories (the voting is blind):

Best Chili
Hottest Chili
What the Hell is in This Chili?

I love chili, and I had talked some trash in advance of this event this year only to find out that the reigning champion (and the recipient of my trash talking) was bowing out of the competition due to "scheduling conflicts" and the expense and time it would take. "Loser!" I thought, "It's just making a pot of chili, how hard can that be?" I will note that at time I was having these thoughts I had never made chili from scratch. I've made it several times, but I've always used a chili starter or a seasoning packet so that I didn't have to buy 700 ingredients that I would use approximately one time per year. Now that I have made chili from scratch, I would like to apologize wholeheartedly to Ari for labeling him a loser in my mind. Making chili can be fraught with danger, as I was soon to find out.

I picked a recipe the scientific way...by Googling "shredded beef chili" and making the first recipe labeled "Shredded Beef Chili." I didn't realize until after I was wedded to the recipe that it contained none of the usual chili ingredients. This chili would not feature beans, tomatoes or tomato products of any kind, chili powder or sauce, nor cayenne pepper. So basically it had zero probability of tasting like chili from the outset, but I decided that I didn't care so ahead I forged. Instead, this recipe relied heavily on actual chilis I would need to seed and chop up. From then on, my chili making became a study in decision making, both bad and (luckily) good.

Let's start with my first bad decision. I went to Whole Foods to buy ingredients and immediately decided that the recipe would not make enough chili...I needed to increase it by half to ensure that I would have enough. So off I run to buy 17 chili peppers, six onions and three pounds of beef. Looking back on it, I should have realized that a 3 quart crockpot would in no way, shape or form hold that much food. Instead, like a moron, I bought all of it for my chili masterpiece. Now, I did make a few smart decisions. My recipe called for flank steak which, at Whole Foods, was $15 a pound. I bought brisket for $6 a pound and it worked fine. I also couldn't find ancho chilies and instead bought poblanos, thinking to myself "Well, poblanos are mild so at least I won't injure anyone by adding these instead." Today I googled ancho chilis to find that they are dried poblanos...so I wasn't off at all in picking out my ingredients. Go me.

Then I went home to make my chili and realized that I was going to have to do a pretty good balancing act to actually cook something of this magnitude in my kitchen. I live in a studio apartment. My entire workspace in the kitchen is about 2 feet wide and it's junked up with my knife block, banana hanger, etc. I also only have about 4 pans and two legit mixing bowls. As I got out the items I would need to use to cook (including my blender and my crockpot) I realized that this was pretty much going to take over every usable item and nook in my kitchen in short order. Anyway, I set to work browning meat and chopping up veggies and soon realized problem number two...

My recipe called for 17 chili peppers and I began chopping them up with wild abandon sans gloves. Soon my hands began to tingle. I wiped them on a towel I had handy and kept going. The tingling became a mile burning and I began to worry. Mild buring starting to give way to serious, painful burning and I starting panicing looking for a way to make the burning stop. Somewhere along the way I scratched my face next to my nose, so now I had a burning streak there too. I washed my hands multiple times, but that didn't work, partly because I dried them on the pepper-tainted towel a couple of times before figuring out that that was part of the problem. I dunked them in a bowl of milk....that worked, but made it really hard to continue cooking. I ultimately finished the chopping of chilis by doing a really awkward dance alternating between the bowl of milk in my sink and my chopping block. It is also around this time that I realized that 17 chilis was a LOT and that I may have overestimated how much chili I needed by just a bit. I only ended up cutting up 15 chilis before realizing this, of course.

At this point, I knew my hands were going to burn for a while, so I decided I just had to live with it. I moved on to the onions. I'm not sure if my eyes are more sensitive than the average human's or if I got super-powered "Terms of Endearment" onions or something, but the second I cut into onion number one I was inconsolable. Tears streaming down my face, makeup smearing all over the place, I managed to make it partway through onion number two before running to my open window to air myself out. I made it through onion three by running back and forth between my chopping block and my bathroom which was (thankfully) onion free. After onion three I gave up on the onions...both because I looked like I had watched an entire family of puppies die and because I must have bought the three biggest onions in the world. Seriously, three onions yeilded the same volume of vegetables as the 15 peppers.

At this point, my house was veritably overflowing with peppers and onions...one, the source of an unpleasant burning sensation in my hands and one causing me to cry uncontrollably. It was very attractive. I had completed other, less dangerous chili-making steps earlier so now I was ready to cram all this stuff into my crock pot. Or, as I would soon find out, my crockpot and my other main cooking pot since there was no way in hell everything was fitting in that crockpot. I literally filled it to the point of overflowing, then shoved the rest into a stovetop pot to cook. It smelled good and as it cooked I could tell it was going to turn out alright, so that was the good news.

The bad news is that my hands were now burning worse than ever. I had had to handle the peppers and onions to get them into their respective cooking vessels, and that had started the fire all over again. Even worse, now I no longer had anything to distract me from my burning hands, so I set about trying to bring the fire to an end by any means necessary. I washed my hands a few more times and slathered on some lotion, but that didn't work at all. I got another bowl of milk, which worked until it warmed up to room temperature. Apparently the milk only really worked because it was making my hands numb. Then I tried soaking my hands in a bowl of beer. That worked a little better, but again...I think the numbness had a big hand in that success. I took some advil and stuck my hands in some sorbet next. That seemed to work too. Ultimately I credit the advil, beer and sorbet cocktail with quelling the burning enough for me to get to sleep.

This morning, chili happily bubbling away in its crockpot (the second batch in the fridge), I got up and went to the gym. I have a well-loved sweatshirt I wear for the walk over every morning, then take off and stow in a locker during my workout. I realized just how much my entire apartment and I must have smelled like chili when I took my sweatshirt out of the locker for the walk home. I might as well have rolled myself in cumin. Gross.

Ultimately, my chili nightmare became a success. I managed to get it to work without incident and it won the "What the Hell is in This Chili?" award as expected. I was complimented on it quite a bit, but honestly it would probably be better for tacos and burritos than as chili. Regardless, I'm glad it was good after all of the trauma involved in making it. I learned a few important lessons this chili cookoff:

1. Resist the temptation to increase a recipe, particularly if you've never made it before
2. Learn how big a medium yellow onion actually is. Apparently "softball sized" is not medium
3. Buy gloves. Wear them
4. Use paper towels when cutting up chilis, not dish towels
5. Poblanos are fresh Ancho chilis and are dark green. Ancho chilis are red Poblano chilis that have been dried
6. If you're standing in Whole Foods thinking to yourself, "Wow...this is a lot for one pot of chili" you've probably bought too much food
7. Take your makeup off BEFORE you chop onions

Other People Hate It Too

2008-06-04T14:01:00.001-04:00

Ha...other people hate the movie The Family Stone as much as I do. Check it out here.

Who is this Pope?

2008-04-17T12:46:00.003-04:00

I ask the above question not in the philosophical sense...I ask it in a totally silly sense: if you had to assign an actor who best represents the current Pope, who would you choose and why? I'll give you some of the World Leader/Actor pairings my co-workers and I came up with recently to inspire you.

Pope John Paul II: Sean Connery
What Sean Connery brought to the 007 franchise, PJPII brought to the papacy. Both are the undisputed kings of their kind.

Dalai Lama: Jodie Foster
Both have been working at their respective crafts from a very young age, and both seem to ascribe to the "slow and steady wins the race" school of career management.

Bill Clinton: Robert Evans
If you haven't seen the movie The Kid Stays in the Picture, see it. It's all about the life of Robert Evans, B-movie actor turned head of Paramount pictures. He greenlit the Godfather movies, Love Story and Chinatown. His life was also filled with scandal and very public ups and downs.

Discuss.

News Flash: Most People Are Boring

2008-03-25T18:33:00.003-04:00

I sat in on a casting call yesterday for a cooking show. The cooking show is looking for "real people with cooking dilemmas who would like to have those dilemmas solved on-air by a real-life celebrity chef." It seems like a cool enough show, and the auditions were pretty widely advertised, so I expected a good variety of people and an assortment of wacky food dilemmas from the people auditioning. I ran the camera and took notes while the producer asked questions like, "What is your food dilemma?" and "What do you do in your free time?" Additionally, she asked the catch-all, "Is there anything else interesting that you'd like to tell us about yourself?" Overall, I would have to say that I came away from the audition with one impression and one impression only: most people are boring. BOOOOORRRRING. Put you right to sleep boring. It was a sad revelation.

Admittedly, I only sat in on 3-4 auditions, but out of those I think 2-3 people stated that eating, watching TV and/or walking their dogs were hobbies. Guess what? THOSE AREN'T HOBBIES...those are everyday boring activities that everyone does. That's like telling someone that getting out of bed in the morning is a hobby. Besides, if you're trying to sell yourself I understand maybe saying that cooking & entertaining is a hobby of yours, but just straight-up eating? Come on people.

Are people really that boring, or are most people totally out of touch with what makes them interesting...to the point at which, even given a perfect opportunity to evaluate and champion what makes you unique and interesting, you bone it?

By the way, the croc picture at the top is what you get when you do a GIS for "not boring." You're welcome.

Karaoke Tips from a "Semi-Pro"

2008-03-14T16:23:00.005-04:00

Hi All - It's been a while since I blogged. I was in Hawaii, I didn't have anything interesting to say, etc. Anyway, last week I was in a bonafide karaoke competition. How did I get into said competition? Well, I sang enough songs one week that the staff at Nolan's (one of my favorite karaoke bars) voted me into the nightly finals. I sang vs. my friend Carl and another guy and the crowd voted me the winner. Go me! What I didn't realize at the time is that $25 and an info sheet for the finals I'd just qualified for would soon be thrust into my hands by a DJ named Biker George. "You've qualified for the finals! You will have to come back in February to sing against the other weekly winners. You could win $300."

Music...to...my...ears. A) I'm super competitive. So much so, in fact, that it may be a problem...but I don't care! I unabashedly love to compete. The actual event is unimportant. B) $300 is awesome...and I compete better when there is money on the line. Thanks Dad, for genetically handing down to me the A Game/B Game genes.*

I was so excited...for a brief 12 hour period. When I got to work the next day and went to put the contest on my calendar, I was devastated to realize that it was to take place while I was in Hawaii. Granted, I was going to be in Hawaii so I wasn't crying myself to sleep over it...but still. Devastated.

Then, a reprieve. About a week before I left I got an email changing the date of the contest to March 5th...right after I was to return to DC! I was SO PUMPED. I publicized the hell out of my pending performance and last Wednesday I arrived to find 10 of my best friends waiting for me at the bar. It was awesome. I had strategized long and hard over my selections for the evening, and I was ready.

Unfortunately, though I had to check in for the contest at 10pm, it didn't start until midnight (on a Wednesday, no less), so I lost a lot of my crowd before the contest even began (read: we are old and have jobs). What filled that bleak, bleak 2 hr waiting period were the bleatings of random people who had signed up for karaoke. At that point, I realized that my strategy could really be helpful to anyone thinking of delving into the dark world of karaoke.

1) DO NOT SING BALLADS...Ever.
I don't care how well you sing, or how sure you are that you're going to ace "My Heart Will Go On." You are going to put the crowd to sleep immediately, and you're likely to get sarcastic slow claps at the end if you don't sing well. Seriously, the info sheet for the karaoke finals said in bold letters, "Do Not Sing Ballads." They're pros dude...they know of what they speak.

2) Pick Songs People Actually Know
Obscure songs are great for your iPod and for torturing your friends on long car trips...they are NOT good for karaoke. You want songs people can sing along to because A) it endears you to the crowd and B) if you stink at singing, the sounds of the crowd singing along will help to drown you out. There's a reason people sing "Livin' on a Prayer" at every karaoke night ever.

3) Switching Genders Is Risky Business
It is easier, as a girl, to find high male songs to sing than for guys to sing songs originally sung by women. I tend to sing songs by Journey because Steve Perry had a high voice...in fact, lots of 80's rock is sung by high-voiced guys making them decent marks for girls with no shame and questionable taste in music (aka: me). It's really the only material I've heard that facilitates gender switching. On the flipside, it is a rare, rare dude that can make Aretha Franklin songs sound halfway decent. I watched one of my guy friends maul a Toni Braxton song to death not long ago. Don't be that guy.

4) Know the Lyrics
Yeah yeah, there's a screen to show you the lyrics...but it's 100% easier if you already know them pretty well before you go up to sing. Take for example my first ever foray into the world of karaoke: I was hosting a karaoke night in college and since no one had signed up yet, I had to fill time by singing. I picked John Denver's "Country Roads." I quickly realized that I only knew the chorus, so I spent the verses mumbling. On stage...by myself. It was sad. Don't be that girl.

5) Know Your Audience
I sing at straight frat-boy type bars and at a gay bar in my neighborhood in which the average age of the clientèle is 45-55 years old. Guess which one loves my disco repertoire?

6) Don't Just Stand There
Your job is not just to stand there meekly with a microphone and squeak out a tune...it is to entertain. Whether you do that through actual singing ability or simply "going for it" while you're on stage doesn't matter. I've seen people sing reasonably well, but put no energy or charisma into it and get very lukewarm reactions from the crowd. I've also seen borderline tone-deaf people kick out some amazing jams through pure showmanship and stage presence. Act like you mean it and the crowd will love it.

So that's it. Those are my six tips to karaoke success. I followed these pretty faithfully in picking songs for the contest. I had to provide four to the judges, then sing one of my choice and one the judges got to choose. I ended up singing "Flashdance (What a Feelin')" by Irene Cara and "Don't Stop Believin" by Journey. I didn't end up walking out with that sweet, sweet $300 but I did feel as though I put in worthy, respectable performances...performances which make me comfortable in referring to myself from now on as a "semi-pro karaoke singer." The girl who won is trying to make it as an actual singer, which makes me glad she won. She was on a whole other level, and it would have been sad for her to be beaten by a semi-pro karaoke singer...regardless of my sick A game.

*My Dad was a HUGE golfer...a very competitive golfer. When he played for fun, he used his B game. Put money on the line though, and out came the A game. I watched many, many an opponent fall prey to the A game in my years as a tournament spectator.

I Love Snarky Movie Reviews

2008-02-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

Check out this review for "Fool's Gold." Any review with the title, "Fool's Gold a Product of Idiots" is right up my alley. Why is it so hard to make an appealing, entertaining romantic comedy?

Something Completely Different...

2008-01-22T14:29:00.000-05:00

1.	Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2.	Neo-Pagan (96%)
3.	Liberal Quakers (92%)
4.	Secular Humanism (85%)
5.	New Age (80%)
6.	Reform Judaism (78%)
7.	Mahayana Buddhism (77%)
8.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (74%)
9.	Bahá'í Faith (66%)
10.	Nontheist (60%)
11.	Taoism (58%)
12.	Theravada Buddhism (58%)
13.	Sikhism (55%)
14.	New Thought (55%)
15.	Scientology (53%)
16.	Jainism (49%)
17.	Orthodox Judaism (49%)
18.	Orthodox Quaker (47%)
19.	Hinduism (46%)
20.	Islam (44%)
21.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (39%)
22.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (27%)
23.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (25%)
24.	Seventh Day Adventist (17%)
25.	Eastern Orthodox (16%)
26.	Roman Catholic (16%)
27.	Jehovah's Witness (6%)

This is an idea of how well my actual beliefs match up with those of various religions. Click here to take the quiz yourself. Who knew I held so many neo-pagan beliefs? Thanks to my friend Pat who sent me this and posted his own results here. Pat, I'm feeling you on the Quaker thing. My Roman Catholic score would deeply concern my poor Mom who spent years attempting to imbue me with good old fashion Catholicism.

I Heart American Gladiators

2008-01-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'll admit it...I've been looking forward to this show ever since the announcement that it would be making a return to TV. I watched the 80's/early 90's version all the time as a kid, I knew the Gladiators (that's right...capitalized to show respect) by name, and absolutely loved watching average weekend-warrior types take on mulleted, scary-huge super-athletes. I have to say, I was not disappointed by the first episode last night. I LOVED it. I've read some criticism...namely that the Hulk and Laila Ali are crap hosts, the interviews are very scripted and annoying, and that the camera jumps around too much. I hope that the Hulkster and Ali get better (hey, it was the first episode), and I hope they lose a lot of the interview crap and settle down with the camera. Those points aside, I thought it ROCKED. First of all, I don't remember the hits being so vicious in Powerball, but it looked super, super painful last night to see dudes getting mauled over and over by a guy named Wolf. Secondly, the Pyramid might have been the greatest thing ever. Where else on TV can I watch a 6'3" huge bodybuilder actually pick up and throw a 5'7", 150lb dude off a pyramid...repeatedly? Keep in mind this pyramid is made entirely of gym mats and is 30'ft high. Phenomenal.

I would also like to touch on something I haven't seen mentioned yet, either in blogs or on the American Gladiators message board (yeah...I'm that sick people, get over it). The first women's final was the most unintentionally hilarious thing ever. I've never seen two people look so freakin' exhausted attempting to complete feats of strength in my life. I'm pretty sure Venus (the normal woman who won) face-planted AT LEAST twice. Additionally, having to swim, run, climb and wallow on gym mats makes for some AMAZING post-race hair. I'm just sayin'. Needless to say, American Gladiators has already been Tivo'd.

Bubble? What Bubble?

2007-12-10T18:43:00.000-05:00

I found this on the web today:

I think it's pretty genius. Not only because I like "We Didn't Start the Fire," as crazy annoying as it is, but because there is so much truth to it. I worked on a documentary film a couple years ago called "Caught in the Net." It looked at people whose careers had been hugely affected (for good and for bad) by the dot.com explosion about 5 years or so after the initial tech bubble burst. In working on that film, my classmates and I discussed bubbles in general at great length. At the time, I argued that real estate was in a bubble. At least 1/2 of the class vehemently disagreed with me at the time. It's amazing that as one thing busts (real estate), a new one inflates (oh look, my Myspace page has 40,000 friends!). Amazing. There must be something in human nature (or perhaps more accurately our American psyche) that is attracted to that "next big thing." You'd just think that after a few times being burned, we'd wizen up. Oh well.

Beware, a Butt-Grabber is Loose!

2007-11-07T18:12:00.000-05:00

It turns out that the area surrounding my office is plagued by a butt-grabber. This article is awesome for the amazing array of descriptions the victims have given of the assailant. It makes it sound as though there is a veritable zombie army of butt-grabbers on the loose in Arlington, rising up to butt-grab until no butt is left ungrabbed. Over and over, this article mentions people being "groped from behind" and attacked, but the video linked from the article makes it a little clearer that someone is butt-grabbing and running.

Now, I don't want to be groped by a stranger (unless he's hot and...um, not actually a stranger) and I am sure that grabbing ass on random people at the metro is a "gateway" crime, but the hysterical tone in these news reports is a little overblown. I also think it's a little ridiculous to ONLY take cabs after 8pm (as Scaredy McFrightened claims to do in the video).

Welcome to the Neighborhood!

2007-11-01T09:38:00.001-04:00

The Post did a great little video documenting a long-standing Halloween tradition in DuPont Circle (my hood). This takes place every year on the Tuesday before Halloween...and it's tons and tons of fun.

Happy Halloween!

2007-10-25T17:08:00.002-04:00

Hi all - Those that know me know that I think Halloween is the best holiday ever. I basically write someone off as a lost cause if they don't find some joy in a holiday centered around candy, donut holes, costumes and hijinks. Thankfully, the company I work for agrees. In fact, I'd say I work in the most Halloween-y office around. I've mentioned to some of you that the decoration level in my office has been slowly escalating to an insane level for a while now, but you don't seem to believe me.

Allow me to take you on a photo tour of my office...

If they decorate at all, most offices stick with safe, non-creepy Halloween decorations like this:

or this:

Clearly we've got those bases covered, but we've got a lot of macabre bases covered too. This is our lobby...it's nice and Halloween-y. Check out the skull in a globe, it's awesome (on the pedestal to the right):

As we move down the hallway though, things get a little dicey. This is the scene at the end of the hall (the red wall is not for Halloween, FYI). It's very "Mothman Prophecies" to me:

If you take a left into our kitchen, perhaps to get a snack or a drink, beware. This is where it starts to get weird. Notice the "blood" coming out of the microwave.

To the left of the witch and the bloody microwave in the pic above is this...a goblin with a fake BBQ. The BBQ makes sizzling sounds.

Let's take a look at what's for dinner:

Eeeewww.

Proceeding out of the kitchen, let's say you need to go to the bathroom. Oh look, a witch! Her bouquet is blurry because she's shaking and moaning...

...every time someone goes into or comes out of the bathroom. Yeah, that's not going to get old.

Begin to make your way to my office and you'll find a funeral in progress.

This is a close-up of our dearly departed. FYI, this thing makes a creepy human heartbeat that can be heard from 20 feet away or so. Also FYI, this guy spent some time in our kitchen as the "hanging man." Yeah, that didn't last long.

Keep heading towards my office and you'll come upon this guy.

Once you get back to my office, there isn't much creepy going on except for A) those of us that work back here are weirdos and B) we have a ficus with eyeball lights on it. Turn around to head out though, and you see this:

I'd also like to point out that the decorating continues as I type this. I actually saw our owner's wife (and chief decorator) trying to disable lights in order to make it spookier around here.

God I love Halloween!

They may have broken my heart last Monday...

2007-10-16T17:10:00.000-04:00

The Bills damn near broke me during Monday night football last week, but nothing can take away the hilarity of this news screw-up. Get well, Kevin.

Funny Ha Ha

2007-08-08T11:51:00.000-04:00

Two funnies for free today:

Long Time, No Update

2007-08-01T15:20:00.000-04:00

Sorry everybody...I realize yet again that I haven't updated this in 4-evar. Anyway, here are a couple of good links to keep you laughing until I have something witty, ironic or interesting to say again.

This is a slideshow of people who have, um...unfortunate wedding announcements due to their last names. Comedy gold!

Here's a totally cracked-out kids show premiering soon on Nickelodeon and Noggin. Note that it features the one and only Biz Markie. Also note that the trailer may cause epilepsy (sorry Justice Roberts).

As for me, I've been playing softball, kickball and my new love, Guitar Hero all summer while adjusting to my new job. I've also read a bunch (I know, I know...I hide my literacy well). Christopher Moore is my new god. I shall blog about him again later (once I finish "Lamb: or the Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Friend"). Rock of Love on VH1 (featuring my crush from 8th grade, Brett Michaels of Poison) is amazing, as is The Closer, Big Love and Flight of the Conchords. More about FoC later too, but for now I will leave you with this gem from the latest episode.

Bob Ross Still Rocks

2007-05-30T18:22:00.000-04:00

I was flipping channels on the TV in our office kitchen today and landed on a moment of classic TV like no other...the one and only "Joy of Painting with Bob Ross." I had forgotten how much ass that show actually kicked...in a very quiet, soothing way of course. Clearly, I was not alone in my love of Bob Ross when I realized that everyone passing through the kitchen was stopping to say, "Sweet...I loved this guy!" Happy trees, indeed.

Bob Ross was nothing short of a genius, and now I sort of want one of his paintings for my house or my office...I feel like it would make a great conversation piece. Unfortunately, I'd have to do actual work to get one...all of his originals were donated to charities or PBS stations. None even appear on Ebay, which must mean one thing and one thing only...everyone that has a Bob Ross original is sitting far too pretty to ever give it up. Sad for me...one day, perhaps my goal of owning an original Bob Ross will be fulfilled anyway.

Ack...Sorry for the Dead Blog

2007-05-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hi Everybody - I know I have some friends who still check in here to see what's going on with me and I've been EXTREMELY remiss in giving them the deets, so here goes. I have had a crazy couple of months. Most of the month of March was spent worrying about whether or not I'd have a job come April 9th. There were lots of crazy worries and rumors going 'round about my employer and what was planned to go down on that date, some of which were even covered by the media. The date of the 9th by the way, was not supposed to have been leaked, but as one notable co-worker phrased it, the date became "the worst-kept secret in company history." Anyway, the march towards D-Day was pretty excruciating, so I just kept keepin' on for the month of March.

Well, I survived D-Day (job intact) only to be offered a new position at a company I used to work for the SAME WEEK. Basically, I survived a corporate restructuring on Monday and put in my two weeks notice on Friday anyway. Ta da! See ya later, suckers (not really, but it's fun to say). I already had a trip to the Dominican Republic planned for the last week of April, and now it fell perfectly between jobs. So I finished up my old gig, jet-setted to the DR for a week of sun and a little white water rafting, and came back and started my new gig about two weeks ago.

What is my new gig? Well...now I'm working in TV production (as opposed to licensing). I'm the Production Manager for a group that has a number of promising projects in development. That's right, you may be seeing my name in credits quite soon. I'll give updates when we've got something premiering.

Otherwise, I've been rocking some kickball games, softball games and other fun social things with my friends. Here are some recent photos to prove that I am, in fact, alive and well.

Zodiac....SEE IT!

2007-03-04T22:05:00.000-05:00

Zodiac is a pretty kick-ass movie. The fact that box office receipts thus far have been disappointing and that instead, Wild Hogs is raking in the dough makes me very, very sad. Anyone who likes gritty crime stories and/or 1970's period peices and good acting should see Zodiac. It's also a veritable who's-who of some of today's best character actors. Highly recommended.

**For those of you suckas who were too chicken to go to this movie with me, you'd really only be squirmy during a couple of scenes. Those couple are doozies however. Youch.

Because I Said So. Ugh.

2007-02-11T21:23:00.000-05:00

I know it's been awhile, but prepare yourselves...I'm about to review a movie I haven't seen. "Because I Said So" stars Diane Keaton, Mandy Moore and Lorelai Gilmore. Even though I can almost guarantee you that I will never spend 2 hrs of my life watching it, I feel like I know ALL about it just from the trailer...and that, my friends is the main criteria by which I choose what movies to review.

Diane Keaton's character (we'll call her Diane for simplicity) is approaching 60 and is obsessed with the lives of her daughters, most notably that of her youngest daughter, Mandy. You see, Mandy is a little unlucky in love and for whatever reason having 3 other daughters who seem to be doing fine and have most likely sired at least one grandchild for Diane, Diane is still terrified that Mandy will not "find someone." I use the term "find someone" with the greatest derision by the way...I hate that term. I have relatives that use that term in relation to me and it always pisses me off..."finding someone" sounds like I'm supposed to wander around the mall until I find some stranger who needs a ride home. Feh. Anyway, Diane wants Mandy to "find someone," but she doesn't want her to try too hard, because then she looks like she's "asking for it" (aka acting slutty).

In reality, Diane is simply worried that her vagina has packed it in for this century and that SHE'S the one who's really going to wind up old and alone. From the trailer she sorta seems like a pain in the ass...if I were her kids, I'd have her work on that before pointing out the whole "dying alone" problem and sicking her on unsuspecting gentlemen...but maybe that's just me. Anyway, it seems that as Mandy's luck in love turns for the better, so does Diane's...it would seem that Mandy's love interest has a handsome and conveniently single dad. Yeah for Diane, yeah for Mandy. Who guesses that this flick ends with a double wedding or some similary cheesy contrivance?

In case it isn't clear, I'm not giving this movie a good review...it looks about as formulaic as a movie could possibly be. I'm pretty sure I know 90% of the plot just from watching the trailer. Diane Keaton really needs to stop slumming..."The Family Stone," now this? At least she made "Something's Gotta Give." That was a decent movie. Since then, she seems to be re-creating the basic premise over and over again in decreasingly watchable films. I sort of wish she'd take a huge leap towards actually acting again and take some crazy, edgy role in which she didn't get to simply wear her own clothes and play overbearing mom to a bunch of 20 and 30-somethings. I do have a strange affection for Mandy Moore though, so part of me hopes that if this film is going to be panned she's not the specific target of said panning. Anyway...Vive la terrible chick flicks!

***NOTE: I TOTALLY underestimated how bad this movie truly is. Rotten Tomatoes currently has it getting only 7% positive reviews including a hilarious review by Rex Reed that actually referred to the film as a "holocaust." So...um, in summary...save your money.

Rant of the Day

2007-02-01T14:53:00.000-05:00

I am forever boycotting Healthy Choice because of their current TV ad campaign. The two faux-chefs and their smirky "We make healthy food" grins...the male faux-chef's over-the-top flourish when all he's doing is squeezing a lemon into a bowl. I hate them...I don't know why, but I've had an incredible, seething hatred towards those commercials since day one. First of all, you're not the first people to ever marinate, grill or bake something, so don't act like those are revolutionary methods for cooking food. Secondly, the line "adding flavor to taste" doesn't make any goddamned sense. Lastly, the commercial's tagline "It's all about the choices we make" is also pretty smug. It's basically saying, "Look, you can CHOOSE to eat those french fries instead of our delightful cardboard entrees, but aren't you really just choosing to be a fatass?" If a friend was complaining to me about their weight and I came back at them with "Well, it's all about the choices we make, isn't it?" I'd expect to get knocked to fark out for being a smarmy bastard. God do I hate Healthy Choice.

Those Crazy Brits

2007-01-31T09:11:00.000-05:00

This is short, but it cracked me up. All hail the British Blog!

Public Humiliation, part 1

2007-01-19T10:17:00.000-05:00

I watch American Idol...not religiously or fanatically (I'm looking at you, Slocum-Whittaker household), but I do watch it. Anyway, for my Idol-obsessed friends, here is a special treat. Some blogger hunted down as many contestant Myspace pages as he could find from the first couple rounds of auditions. Enjoy.

Two of the Four Horsemen

2007-01-16T21:51:00.000-05:00

Every night when I'm driving home from work, my radio starts on DC101. They have a funny (although admittedly crass and shock-jocky) morning radio show that I happen to enjoy. Anyway, I'm going to have to start remembering to change the channel before I get out of my car in the morning so I don't get accidentally sucked into the ENORMOUS VORTEX OF SUCK that is any song by Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance. I've decided that these two bands are, in fact, two of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

As my first piece of evidence, I shall point out the Wikipedia description of Fall Out Boy's music: alternative rock/pop punk/emo. Jesus what an abortion. All bands that call themselves "pop punk" should be summarily executed, poste haste. Second on my list of things I completely despise about FAB is their terrible, terrible music. Just when I thought that the seventy bajillionth play of that "Cock It and Pull It" song had completely exhausted their 15 minutes of flash-in-the-pan fame, they came out with "Dance, Dance." The worst thing about "Dance, Dance" is that it is not as terrible as their first song. It lures you in, making you believe for a short minute that maybe, just maybe, your ears aren't going to bleed from it and then BLAM! It gets stuck in your head and you're forced to hate yourself the rest of the day. And your ears end up bleeding anyway. Bastards.

Their new song is the worst, most despicably terrible song I've ever heard. As though the producers of the song KNEW that it sucked enormously, they amped up the music so much that the lyrics are pretty unintelligible. To whatever audio engineer made that decision, thank you. You've saved my brain some level of burning. Unfortunately, it's also clear that whomever wrote the song fancies themselves a clever lyricist by crafting the wholly nonsensical hook "This ain't a scene, it's a God-damned-arms-race." WTF? Seriously, WTF?

Now, if FAB (lame acronym also, FYI) were simply a one-hit wonder destined to live on in obscurity forever, I could live with that. For whatever reason however, it is as though the entire megalithic radio industry has conspired to push this shitty, shitty band 24-7. I love DC101, but enough. Enough. They're a crap band with crap music. No amount of "Meet the band" and "Win tickets" contests centered around FAB will EVER make them palatable. Ever.

On to my hatred of My Chemical Romance. Honestly, the only song I've heard repeatedly (and by repeatedly, I mean way too F***ing much) is "The Black Parade." It starts off OK, then totally disintegrates into a craptacular, overblown sophomoric rock song. Fair enough. My true reason for hating them is that I'm pretty sure these guys are 35, yet they're dressed up all goth-y all the time. Seriously. Let the angst go, dude...you're 35. It's time to move beyond your career at Hot Topic. I saw them accept some sort of MTV award this past year and it was then that I realized just how UNcool eyeliner is on someone in his 30's...unless you're Prince. Or that guy at the House of Guitars who has always worn eyeliner. He's pretty cool.

Anyway, upon reading their Wikipedia entry, I've found other reasons to hate them. First, they formed about a week after 9/11 as a way for the lead singer to work out his issues about the event. One more reason to hate terrorists. Additionally, they take inspiration from horror movies for their songs. Most people would think that that gives me a reason to like them rather than hate them, but no. Horror = good, Crappy songs that claim horror roots in an effort to reinforce a poseur goth image = not good. Not good at all.

So that's it. The fact that the recording industry has conspired to push these two terrible, terribly acts upon us night and day makes it clear how off-base the recording industry truly is. Additionally, I think the fact that these two acts are pretty much unavoidable at the moment makes a good case for them being horsemen of the apocalypse. Any other nominees? There are only four true horsemen, right?

My Window on the World of Big-Time College Football

2007-01-04T16:29:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody - I hope everyone had a chance to ring in the New Year in style...I certainly did. I went to Tampa, where I celebrated New Years' Eve at a nice Irish bar and New Years' Day by taking in the Outback Bowl. It was Penn State vs. Tennessee in the battle of the bloomin' onion, and by God Penn State beat the odds and won. All in all, it was an excellent time, yet it did open my eyes wide to the College Football Phenomenon (CFP for short).

I went to the University of Richmond. Our football team wasn't bad at all...in fact, Shawn Barber (my former next door neighbor) still plays in the NFL. I lived in an apartment between two apartments of football players my junior year and I remember one saying that he didn't care who he played on Saturday, he just liked the game. The guys on the team were pretty nice (those I met) and I never got the sense that they were too too into themselves as college football players.

Fast forward many years to the Outback Bowl. I knew in going that this was a big deal...bowl games are in general a big deal. I knew that there would be a huge, enthusiastic crowd, television coverage...the works. What I did not expect was the nearly cult-like devotion of some of these fans of the Nittany Lions. Seriously, I heard older guys questioning every play call, spouting things like, "Well, I wouldn't have called a screen there...I don't think #42 is strong on the left side, but you know...that's just me. Obviously, Joepa has it under control." Additionally, I met people who knew ever player's name, every number, every position...they practically had these players' girlfriends names memorized. They knew what each one looked like, even without numbers on. They knew what redshirted freshmen looked promising for 2007. Never in my life have I see such devotion to a team.

And honestly, there is a part of me that found it creepy. These are, after all, 18-22 year old college guys. Thirty+ year old fans were rushing to take pictures with them...women were fawning over which player was their "pretend" boyfriend. All in all, a little obesessive. It made me ponder a few things 1) how amazing it must be to be a player on a big college team 2) how in the hell do you keep from being an asshole when, at 19, you can claim to have "fans?" 3) what happens to the guys who have "fans" in college but never play beyond that? and 4) perhaps we've gone a little far with celebrity/sports hero worship. I have thought #4 all the time, but this whole experience just drove it home.

I am a big sports fan...but I don't get personally wrapped up in the heroes of my favorite teams. I did spend a large part of high school believing that the constant athlete worship in which my school indulged was a little much...but don't get me wrong, I think sports are important in a lot of ways. They teach great, great things such as teamwork and the importance and reward of working hard towards a goal. They promote physical fitness and in general are lots of fun (I play a few myself...ahem). Forbes published an article this week listing the 15 most valuable college football programs and how much those individual programs generate in revenue, not just for the athletic departments of the schools to which they belong but how much of that revenue gets funneled into academic scholarships as well and it was eye-opening. Every pseudo-intellectual a-hole who argues that college athetic programs are a huge waste should have to read it. Hell, I work in licensing, the industry that brings you every sports team t-shirt, hoody and beer coozy on the market. All in all, sports are a win for everyone (pun intended!).

At the same time, I can't help but think that it's a little crazy to dote upon what are, essentially, dopey college kids. They may be kick-ass athletes...but until they're drafted they're still dopey college kids in my eyes. Ironically enough, my grandfather was the QB for Penn State in the 30's and a college coach his entire professional career (mainly baseball). I think he would agree that that the worship factor is a little bizarre. Not that I support mooning over pro athletes any more than I support mooning over college ones or actors or any kind of celebrity worship in general. I guess I'm just not into that. It makes me wonder if there is a certain personality type prone to celebrity obession.

Anyway, getting away from the topic of athlete worship for a moment, I could see myself following college football a little closer next year. There is a passion in the game that I'd previously missed, and for opening my eyes to it I have both the Outback Bowl and Boise St. to thank. Now on to NCAA Basketball. Go DUKE!

**For the record, the friends I attended said game with aren't crazy at all...just big fans of their alma mater and (in two cases) their hometown college team. Go Penn State!

Happy Holidays

2006-12-28T17:05:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone - I hope that everyone is having a good respite from work or stress or both. Since I know my base, I bring you a link today to the Top 10 Gayest Moments of 2006. Enjoy.

Now That the Party's Over...

2006-12-18T18:06:00.000-05:00

I can reveal the items that I REALLY gave away for my DCVC white elephant gifts, one of which (I'm proud to say) was featured on Leno just one night before our fabled party.

First up, the Avenging Unicorn Playset

Yes, it is what it looks like...a unicorn that stabs annoying people with its horn. It actually comes with three annoying people and four horns, each of which brings a set of superpowers to the table (my favorite being speed reading). While this is a pretty awesome gift, it cannot hold a candle to the true gem of my Christmas season....

The Flying Slingshot Monkey (as seen on the Tonight Show)

This may be my all-time favorite gag gift. What this ad (and the packaging) don't tell you is that it screeches like a monkey when you let it go...loudly. Very loudly. I pranked a co-worker with this and let me tell you, nothing is better than hearing crazy monkey screeches in a cubefarm at 10am. Shout-out to stupid.com for supplying me with awesomely wierd gifts.

One more thing...you're not cool these days until you've seen this.

It's a Christmas...er, Miracle?

2006-12-07T11:33:00.000-05:00

So...happy holidays one and all. I already have a strange little holiday tale to tell. A couple of weeks ago I ordered a number of fun things from the website www.stupid.com and they were delivered to me thusly in a small USPS priority mail box. On Monday night, I left my cubicle and in my head said to myself, "I shouldn't leave this box here overnight...it might get taken." I picked up the box, my coat and my bag and set it on the counter in our ladies' restroom while I used the facilities. Then I picked up my stuff and left the office.

Cut to Tuesday night and me wandering around my apartment saying to myself, "What the hell did I do with that package?" Fade to Wednesday morning as I searched my car, cubicle and office bathroom to no avail. Then, I went on the offensive. I GUESS it's possible that someone picked it up by accident, but since it was in a box addressed to the one and only me, that seemed unlikely. First, I posted the following message to our internal company bulletin board:

Lost - Box of Wierd Stuff
Hi - I seem to have lost a medium-sized UPS box full of Christmas gifts and I'm desperately hoping that someone has found it. It may have been picked up by someone accidentally in the Colesville 7th floor women's restroom on Monday...that is the last place I remember having it with me. Items in the box include Japanese chewing gum, a pink elephant paper shredder/pencil sharpener, 3 voodoo toothpick holders* and a Sigmund Freud Action Figure*. If you have any idea of the whereabouts of this missing package, please contact me at x 5425 or send me an email. Thank you!

*Items changed to protect the identity of my DCVC white elephant gifts

Next, I called our security office and had them roll tape of me leaving the building on Monday night...with nary a package in sight. Suddenly it became clear...most likely someone stole my package while I was actually in the bathroom stall peeing, barely feet from the site of the theft. Who does that???

I posted a follow-up later in the afternoon:

Hi - Since it's looking less like my box of Christmas gifts was accidentally picked up and more like it was intentionally taken, I'd like to make one more appeal for its return. To anyone who may have it and is willing to return it (even if it was taken), please leave it on my desk or interoffice it to me and no questions will be asked. You can even keep one of the voodoo toothpick holders if you like. Thank you!

Hours passed without a peep. Finally, at the end of the day, I started to give up hope. The lost and found had found nothing....at least not my Sigmund Freud action figure. Nonetheless, I posted signs at the scene of the crime reading the following:

LOST:
One medium-sized FedEx box of Christmas gifts

What went missing?
3 voodoo toothpick holders, 1 Dolphin laser pointer, 1 pink elephant paper shredder and a Sigmund Freud Action Figure. This is not a joke…these are the real items I am missing. They were in a medium-sized FedEx box addressed to me care of Bob at www.stupid.com.

To whom do these treasures rightfully belong?
Sue O’Hora x5425, HC0704J

When did the box disappear?
Monday evening

From whence did it disappear?
Most likely it was taken from this bathroom (either by accident or on purpose). There is a chance that it was taken from my desk instead (also on this floor). Regardless, it is among the missing.

If you know what became of my beloved Christmas gifts, please let me know. If you’d like to remain anonymous, that’s fine…just return the box to my desk or interoffice it to me, no questions asked. You can even keep one of the voodoo toothpick holders…admittedly, they are pretty awesome.

I went home truly thinking that all hope was lost. I was ready to call Bob and re-order some of my lost treasures, yet I was pushed to further disappointment believeing that my re-order might not even make it here for the DCVC gift exchange. Why hath the gods of kitschy Christmas gifts forsaken me thus????

This morning I came in and there, next to my desk, was my missing package. It was completely intact and had one of my signs from the bathroom taped to it...no name, no idea how it found it's way back to me. I've since posted a "Thank you, whomever you are" message on our buletin board, but this whole experience has made me wonder. Did I actually manage to guilt someone into giving something back that was taken wrongfully? Did my feeble attempts at humor in my notes (versus anger) help this situation? Or did someone open up a box they thought was filled with legit toys and say "What the hell is this crap?" and return as you would a questionable gift to the store upon seeing that it was actually missed by someone? I will never know. I do know that I'm damn happy to have my elephant pencil sharpener/paper shredder back in time for Christmas though.

Accuradio is Simply the Bomb

2006-11-21T15:23:00.000-05:00

Rarely will I give my blog over to the total and complete promotion of another website, but I've been in love with www.accuradio.com for a few years now and it just keeps getting more awesome so I figured I'd try to a push a few more listeners their way.

Basically, it's a free streaming radio site with very few commercials. You can skip songs you're not into and you can try to deselect artists within a channel so that they no longer play at all (although I find that this feature doesn't work that well). They have a ton of channels, my favorite being Classic Soul 1973+, which (as advertised) rides the line between soul, funk and disco (as I'm writing this, I'm listening to Rick James' "Mary Jane"). Travis, the Women of Soul channel is for you...lots of Aretha. Bill & Pat - You may want to check out the Hiptronica and Check the Rhyme channels. Lee...for you, I suggest the Modern Rock Classics channel (lots of U2). Erin - A Flock of 80's. Enough said.

Anyway, take it as a tip from me: Accuradio is a great way to kill a work day.

Ghost Stories!

2006-11-10T12:57:00.000-05:00

On Halloween, I posted my Grandmother's two known brushes with ghosts on Fark. Today, I got an email from a website asking if they could re-post my story. That website? http://www.yourghoststories.com/. I'm very excited for two reasons: A) someone actually read my post, and B) I have a fun new website on my radar. Who doesn't love a good ghost story?

Not only that, but I discovered the show "Ghost Hunters" this week. I watched two episodes, and out of the four stories profiled, only one was really freaky...but that one? Wow. Terrifying. Now I'm hooked. Anyway, feel free to post your own ghost stories in the comments section (and on the Ghost Stories website too).

Here is mine:

My Grandmother and Great-Aunt rented a house during WWII that they swore was haunted. My Great Uncle was a spy/interpreter so he had access to some things it was harder for the average GI to get...like silk stockings. Anyway, Alice & Grandma Helen noticed that things were missing (like the stockings and their grocery money) pretty often, so they locked them up..in a box only the two of them had keys to. No dice...they'd open the box and it would have been cleaned out. Then they started hearing heavy footsteps in the night going up and down the stairs and through the hallway, cold breezes where there was no explanation for them, etc. They did a bit of research and learned that there had been a murder/suicide in the house and promptly moved out. Suddenly they realized why the house had been such a good deal and why no one stayed there very long.

Grandma Helen passed away in January of this year at 101 yrs. old. My Mom went to visit her in the hospital when she was in her final days and happened to hit a time when she was very lucid (she lived by herself until 3 months before she died and she was never senile or otherwise batty except for the last week or so before she passed away in which she was in-and-out of it). Anyway, in a very lucid moment she told my Mom how the father of my cousin-by-marriage whom she'd only met once or twice had come to visit her and told her that it was ok to move on to the "other side." In Grandma Helen's trademark logical way she went on to say to my Mom, "Well, at first I couldn't figure out why the "Other Side" didn't send your father or even Bob (my Dad), but then I realized that I probably would have thought I hallucinated that. Uncle Jack though? I barely knew him. Random." It seemed to ease her mind though, which was nice.

I kinda like the idea of an emissary being sent to usher you off to your next plane of existence. I think Grandma Helen did too. She was pretty psyched to get the fark outta here by the end and see what was next anyhow.

Good Bad Movies

2006-11-09T15:02:00.000-05:00

I've written about the art of the good bad movie before but today in trolling Fark (one of my favorite websites) there was a link to Maxim's "definitive" list of good bad movies. I agree with some of it (namely the inclusion of Anaconda, The Beastmaster and Scarface), but I have already started a list of movies I think also should have made the list.

The Devil's Advocate
I am compelled by the forces of evil to watch this damn movie every time it's on TV. Damn you overacting Al Pacino....DAMN YOU! It's the glee with which he sticks his finger in the holy water just to watch it boil that gets me every time.

Point Break
I put this here for my friend Sally...a fellow Keanu enthusiast. Double points for starring Patrick Swayze as well.

Roadhouse
This was heavily discussed on Fark as a glaring ommission to the list. Sally (and Patrick Swayze) would agree.

Red Dawn
Seriously, how did this not make a Maxim list? Also, I'm starting to wonder if I have a Patrick Swayze problem...

Big Trouble in Little China
Jamie, I've got your back on this one.

The Cutting Edge
This is a girly choice, but I know many people that simply won't turn this off once they start watching it for the brazillionth time.

I am officially taking nominations...what is your favorite good bad movie?

Borat

2006-11-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

So I saw the movie Borat this weekend. It was OK. I really wanted to like it a lot more than I actually did. In my opinion, the strongest moments were the parts in which Borat's targets played along with his fish-out-of water schtick rather than the times he simply pissed people off a lot/made them uncomfortable. I guess I agree with the review of this film that I read on MSNBC...pushing buttons can be very very rich comedic material. Other times, it can feel like pushing buttons for the sake of pushing buttons. This movie, in my opinion, was an interesting mix of both of those circumstances. Thoughts?

Happy Halloween Part 1

2006-10-30T17:11:00.000-05:00

Every time I start to think that musical comedy is awful, I watch something like this from Stephen Lynch. Ah, Halloween humor...

Horror for Beginners...aka Happy Halloween pt. 2

2006-10-30T13:45:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I dedicate this post to my friend Eddie, who upon watching Night of the Living Dead with me the other day got to the end of the film and asked, "Wait...did this happen?" Granted, the film does contain realistic-looking photos and well-faked news reports of zombie attacks, but to answer his question: no. Mysterious radiation has never re-activated the brains of the newly-dead causing them to rise in a canabalistic, murderous zombie rampage. In other words, Eddie is a horror beginner, and therefore in this post I shall deconstruct the top 8 horror movies for beginners in the order I would watch them were I starting from scratch.

1. Night of the Living Dead
This is an out-and-out classic. A black and white primer to all zombie movies to come, this was made on a shoestring budget outside of Pittsburgh in 1968. Since zombie movies are my personal favorite of all the horror genres, I'm putting this at numero uno. Additionally, it's more dark and moody than straight-up gory or scary, so it's a nice way to ease into the hot tub of terror (metaphorically speaking. The actual Hot Tub of Terror is somewhere near Anaheim).

2. Halloween
This was my very first horror movie, and as such I'd say that it's a make-it-or-break-it type of film. It is the seminal slasher flick, and if you make it through Halloween and it leaves you wanting more, you have a future as a horror geek. Thank you to the family friend that introduced this movie to me at the tender age of 9. My desire to not chicken out in front of the cool 18yr old high school girl that suggested we rent this "If I wasn't scared" has led me to a lifetime of horror appreciation. If however, like my Mom, you don't make it through this flick...then at least you haven't spent 20 hours watching the rest of the movies on this list.

3. Dracula (the 1931 original)
I just watched this for the first time the other day, and I'd have to say that it's still pretty great (watch the version with Phillip Glass' score). Bela Lugosi's Count Dracula spawned imitators from the Count on Sesame Street to Count Chocula to a host of fanged baddies in between. Additionally, Dwight Frye's turn as Renfield is amazing. You'll also be introduced to most of the classic vampire folklore regarding mirrors, crosses and wooden stakes.

4. The Howling
I'm not a huge fan of werewolf movies, but I do like the kitchy 70's feel of the original Howling movie. Again, this does a good job of introducing werewolves to the novice, while throwing in some great transformative special effects as various characters turn into werewolves. The ending is a nice kick in the pants as well.

5. Carrie
Because his name is synonymous with horror, I feel compelled to include a Stephen King adaptation somewhere on this list (I love the Shining, but I'm saving that for Horror for Intermediates). Carrie is a slow burn DePalma-style (he directed it) and includes a fantastic performance by a legit actress (Sissy Spacek) as high school outcast Carrie White. Her mother in the film has to be one of the most deranged in film history, and the climax of the film surely feeds the revenge fanstasies of less-than-popular teenagers everywhere. (Note to Eddie: watching this film does not give you license to use the term "dirty pillows" in common conversation from now on).

6. Shawn of the Dead
This is a pretty recent zombie movie, but it is genius in the way that it mixes humor and horror. Shawn's use of a child's slide to look over the fence at the zombies surrounding the Winchester is a personal favorite. In addition, there are some great special effects and nearly every classic zombie movie element is left intact. This was an instant new fav when I saw it in the theater, and it doesn't suffer upon repeated viewings.

7. Poltergeist
God do I love Poltergeist. This is the movie that gave clown dolls, television "snow," and Indian burial grounds a bad name (not that they had GREAT reputations beforehand, but we'll ignore that for our purposes). Any movie that has Craig T. Nelson, ectoplasm, paranormal experts and lots and lots of scary crap happening at all times is ok in my book. This movie is almost exhausting to watch because of the sheer amount of craziness surrounding what is otherwise a nice, normal family. Both parents are also pretty realistically drawn, and as a result you get quite attached to them over the course of the movie.

8. The Exorcist
For those not accustomed to watching scary movies, The Exorcist would be a bad place to start. It's horror at it's most awesome. A lot of people I know have no problems whatsoever with zombies and vampires but have real issues when it comes to demonic possession. Apparently, I have a lot of friends who believe in demons. Sigh. Regardless, build up your confidence with movies 1-7 and top off your education with this classic. Besides, telling people that you've never seen The Exorcist is equivalent to wearing a t-shirt that reads "Hi. I'm Culturally Illiterate."

For a fun list of top horror movie killings, click here.

A Killer Piñata Movie...No, Really

2006-10-28T12:51:00.000-04:00

I'll probably watch 15-20 horror movies in the two weeks surrounding Halloween. It's sort of my thing. Sure, I'll watch The Exorcist and Child's Play again for old time sake. They're classics! But every once in a while a movie comes along that makes you say to yourself "Wow. Just wow." My latest discovery is one of those movies...Piñata: Survival Island. Tagline: "A Weekend to Dismember."

This movie may, in fact, meet all of my criteria for what makes a good terrible movie. Recognizable stars? Yes, this stars Jamie Pressly and Nicholas Brendon (aka Zander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer). An intriguing backstory? And how. Many years ago, a small Mexican village fell on hard times. The town shaman, sure that the predicament was being caused by the transgressions of the villagers themselves, crafted a piñata out of clay and then "transfered" the bad mojo of the village and the villagers into the demonic-looking vessel then sent it down the river never to return, and prosperity returned to the town. Ah, I love happy endings. But wait...

That alone is a great beginning to a crazy bad movie, but this movie takes it a bit further with an even more fantastic present-day premise. Fast forward to 2001. A group of sorority girls and frat guys are taken to a tropical forest a short 20 mile boat ride off campus (?) to participate in an underwear scavenger hunt. Over 2,500 pairs of underwear are strung up all over the forest and the co-ed team of two that brings back the most will win $20,000 to be shared by their chapter houses and the charity of their choice (note to self: plan underwear scavenger hunt). In addition to a bounty of underwear, there are piñatas strung up all over the forest filled with "liquid refreshments," otherwise known as plastic airline bottles of booze (additional note to self: include booze-filled piñatas in underwear scavenger hunt plan). The scavenger hunt begins, and so does the evil piñata fun.

Each duo is actually handcuffed together for the scavenger hunt, which as a plot device only helps determine who is destined for an early, gory death at the hands of our not-as-fun-as-it-looks piñata. Within the first 15 minutes, we have a winner. It seems that Bob has keys to his team's cuffs, allowing them to split up and TOTALLY win the scavenger hunt. He also brought some weed to chill the scene out a bit. Lisa, his partner, drags an old piñata out of a crusty pond assuming it is from a previous year and they begin banging on it with a rock to see what fabu goodies might be inside. Unfortunately, they do not discover a bounty of mini-Sauza bottles. Instead, they manage to wake the evil mojo of hundreds of ancient villagers and simultanously animate the piñata itself. Said piñata (I'll call him Jorge from now on) then TOTALLY harshes Bob's mellow by bashing his head in.

At this point, the movie follows pretty standard supernatural slasher conventions. No one believes Lisa's story of a killer piñata, regardless of the fact that it bashed Bob's head in right in front of her in broad daylight. People are picked off one by one, splitting up proves to never be a good idea, etc. The only other really notable thing about this movie is that somewhere along the way, Jorge starts to fly. At some points, he looks a lot more like a dinosaur than a piñata and at others he looks like a terra cotta Slimer, making me think that the CGI in the film is a patchwork of models done for other projects rather than *gasp* original to this high-budget extravaganza. Regardless, he proves to be one nasty party accessory.

Sadly (for me), I really enjoyed Piñata: Survival Island. Jamie Pressly is entertaining, and since she's now quite sucessful on My Name is Earl, I hope she can look back on her days in movies about killer piñatas with fondness. I know that I would. And while I'll be sure not ruin the ending for you, rest assured, it ultimately takes much more than a blindfolded five-year old with a broom handle to take out good old Jorge.

Please don't kill me...

2006-10-19T16:45:00.002-04:00

Hi to all the people who are probably no longer reading this blog. The last two months have been insane between trips to Italy and Las Vegas, work and my friend Debbie's wedding (this weekend!). Anyway, I'll be sure to get back to snarky reviews of movies I haven't seen next week. Expect a veritable barrage of fun. I may also review the Miss Adams Morgan pageant based on the photos my friends took at the event, I'll have the High Heels Race to talk about on Wednesday next week, and general philosophical waxing to do about Halloween, so be sure to come back soon. In the meantime, I'll leave you with a question to ponder.

I'd Rather Be Poked in the Eye

2006-08-25T17:13:00.000-04:00

I raved a few posts ago about Little Miss Sunshine and upon reflection it TOTALLY deserves every bit of accolade I can give it. Please, go see Little Miss Sunshine...but time your arrival so that you DO NOT have to watch the trailer for Material Girls. Is it possible for a trailer to actually drain your life force in two short minutes? Watch, and you will know the unfortunate answer.

Why they would choose to market this movie to the same audience that has chosen to go to a good movie, I will never know. The plot? Two "celebutante" sisters (Hillary and Haley Duff) have inherited their father's cosmetics company and fortune. They are incompetent do-nothings who simply attend parties and smile pretty for the camera. Fine...that premise isn't much different from that of Tommy Boy. What follows however, appears to be an incredibly, incredibly shallow journey towards adulthood. In fact, that's what Mr. Overdramatic Movie Voice Guy should have said during the trailer...at least then I could have laughed. The company endures some sort of scandal (which looks exceedingly lame), the girls are instantly tossed out on their asses (maybe the one endearing element of this movie, no matter how illogical), and they are forced to learn to live without masseuses on-call, Louis Vuitton and a new cell phone every month. Boo...freakin'...hoo.

What makes this film look like a shallow and meaningless rendering of better movies that have come before (see Tommy Boy) is that from the trailer, it never really looks as though they end up having it that hard, nor does it appear that they end up ACTUALLY working much. Oh, they have to take the bus and wear clothes from last season? Again...boo freakin' hoo. Scheming instead seems to be their big redemptive character trait, as they "work" to keep their company from falling into the clutches of an evil rival played by a totally-slumming-it-for-a-quick-buck Angelica Houston.

Can society's fascination with "celebutantes" please end now? Please? They don't make good movies, good books or even good gossip...and as Paris herself has proven, they don't make good music either. They're just dreadfully, dreadfully boring people who happen to be rich and have good plastic surgeons/stylists.

On another note...what the hell happened to Hillary Duff? Chompers of DEATH I tell ya. My reaction to the trailer of this movie says it all...before it was even finished, I turned to one of my movie-going companions and loudly (I had lost control of the volume of my voice at this point) exclaimed, "I would rather stick knives in my eyes than watch this movie."

Why Haven't I Seen This Trailer Yet?

2006-08-25T17:04:00.000-04:00

I was doing a little research for work (no...really) and found the trailer for the new movie The Black Dahlia. How have I not heard of this movie yet? It looks pretty intriguing and has an amazing cast. Hilary Swank, Aaron Eckhart and Scarlett Johansson? YEAH! Josh Harnett? No yeah for acting but BIG YEAH for just being super-hot. Brian DePalma? BIG YEAH...for slow-mo shots. Anyway, it intrigued me. Check out the trailer and tell me what you all think.

Little Miss Sunshine

2006-08-07T09:53:00.000-04:00

Hi - Normally, I choose to write about terrible movies because reviews of bad movies are always more fun to read (and write) than reviews of great movies (or mediocre "blah" movies...see "The Devil Wears Prada"). In this instance, I am going to make an exception. Little Miss Sunshine is a great movie. Starring Steve Carell, Greg Kinnear, Alan Arkin and Toni Collette, it certainly has a talented cast. Their performances, along with that of young Abigail Breslin as daughter and pageant contestant Olive, are what really make the movie shine.

The Hoovers are a fractured family. Dad is a wanna-be self-help guru whose literary ambitions are in question, Grandpa's been kicked out of his retirement community for snorting heroin, son Duane has taken a vow of silence, and uncle Frank just attempted suicide following the Mother of all bad break-ups. Mom is the harried, but genuine force struggling to keep the family together. When Olive is invited to enter the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant in Redondo beach, the entire family accompanies her on the long road trip from Albuquerque via an aging VW bus.

I don't want to give away any more of the plot of this movie simply because it is so good. Road movies have an element of predictability to them...they nearly always touch upon the themes of exploration, growth and self-knowledge. This one is no different, however it mixes comedy and some very, very dark material seamlessly while giving you an amazing closeness to and empathy for the characters. Are there moments that rely heavily upon the viewer's suspension of disbelief? Sure...but they don't take a thing away from what is an excellently acted, beautifully shot movie the likes of which hasn't been made in quite a while.

2006-07-28T15:20:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention that while at the beach last week, I saw a pod of dolphins, a ton of jellyfish and, although I didn't see it myself, members of my party spotted a shark just offshore (a little brown one, maybe 3 feet long). In honor of Shark Week, I give you pictures of my office building at the moment:

Yeah, it looks like a giant shark is swimming through the building. I kinda like it as a publicity stunt, to be honest. It's not everyday that one can send an email like this:

To: Friends
From: Suedisco

Sure, let's all meet at Trio tonight. By the way, the giant shark head on my building is blowing around in the wind. It sounds like thunder.

My desk is 3 windows to the left of the teeth.

Post-Vacation Depression

2006-07-26T10:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long hiatus...I went on vacation. To where, you ask? Why, to Dewey Beach, that's where! And what's so great about Dewey Beach? Pretty much everything. For those of you not familiar with the joy of this little beach hamlet tucked away between Rehoboth Beach and Bethany Beach on the Delaware shore, allow me to elaborate. This is a typical day in Dewey:

11:30am - Get out of bed (since you can no longer ignore the sunlight coming in through the skylight)
11:45am - Talk someone into getting you coffee.
12:00pm - Choose your own adventure...either head to the beach for the next 5 hours or so, or begin drinking (I choose option 1).
2:00pm - Wake up in time to eye-rape some hot lifeguards
5:00pm - Head back to the house to meet up with those who have been drinking since noon. Break up a verbal argument already in progress. Eat some chips & dip. Begin drinking in earnest.
6:00pm - Optional shower/put on a shirt. Continue drinking through either of these activities.
7:00pm - Eat some more.
8:00pm - Watch some baseball, play quaits, or just continue drinking
10:00pm - Go to the bar...your choices include The Lighthouse (stay away from the Orange Crush), The Rusty Rudder, North Beach, or the Starboard.
10:30pm - Lose someone you came with.
11:30pm - Talk to member of the opposite sex you wouldn't dream of approaching were it not for the fact that you've been drinking for approximately 5-12 hours. This can be taken in either the very good or very bad sense...it works both ways.
12:00pm - Magically find the missing member of your party.
12:15pm - Lose someone else.
1:00am - Bars close. Proceed directly to Grotto Pizza, Mama Celeste or DP Dough.
2:00am - Arrive home. Devour every semi-edible item in house. Immediately begin flip cup game.
2:30am - Prop up whomever is no longer steady enough to play flip cup by moving the couch closer to the table.
2:45am - Ding Ding Ding! Someone has earned a new nickname!
3:00am - Taunt/harass those that have passed out. What lightweights.
3:10am - Retire to your chamber. You've had a busy day, afterall.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. No movie theaters, no shopping, no miniature golf. It seems as though this would be repetitive, nay boring, for an entire week. Let me assure you that you'd be mistaken. Never has my post-vacation depression been this deep.

When you "tentatively" book your reservation for the next year when you drop off the keys at the realty office, you know you're pretty much ruined.

Head On! Like a Drill Bit to the Skull

2006-07-11T14:17:00.000-04:00

This commercial may make you officially insane. If this product is meant to cure headaches, then their advertising firm should be promoted. How better to sell lots of headache remedies than if your commercial causes them?

Let's start a list of other things Head On! and it's commercial may be trying to cure:

Sunburn
Rickets
Intelligence
Bad spelling
Vitamin C deficiency
Sanity

Go ahead, think of your own uses for Head On!, and remember...apply directly to the forehead!

Not this again...

2006-07-06T14:59:00.000-04:00

I'm about to get political on you all for the first time ever (I live in DC, so allow me this one indulgence. I'll be back to Supergroup, So You Think You Can Dance, and The Devil Wears Prada soon enough). Today the NY courts ruled that any real ruling on gay marriage would have to go through the legislature. Whoopee. A setback for gay rights for sure, but not a death knell by any means.

Anyway, this led me to check out the comments on Fark about this ruling. You can read the same enormously long thread here. I even posted in the comments...I'll repost it below for your reading pleasure:

I'll never understand the argument that gay marriage denigrates straight marriage...you need a certificate issued by the state to be legally wed (partnered up, unioned...whatever you want to call it). If you CHOOSE to then go to a church and get "married in the eyes of god," then fine. Why can they just change "Marriage license" to "Certificate of Union" for EVERYONE...then let the gays get "married" in whatever church is cool with it, let the straights get "married" in whatever church they feel like celebrating, and then everyone is happy. The Union certificate is the legally binding document, the "marriage" is the traditional, religion-related ceremony. The close-minded straights get to go to their gay-unfriendly churches to get married, and the open-minded straights and gays can support the churches that accept everyone. Why is this so freaking hard?

Anyway, posting on Fark is usually just yelling into the dark...no one responds to me because A) I'm not very extreme in my views and B) I'm not a troll. Today however, I was amazed to get this email shortly after posting:

Hi-
You don't know me, but you're a genius.

My name is Andrew. I don't post on Fark but I often read the political/religious threads because I enjoy the resulting flamewars and the associated ignorance that comes with them.

You're the only person on Fark that realizes that secular marriage and religious marriage are two separate things. Nobody else seems to realize that and I was wondering when someone that posts there would
mention that.

Religious and civil marriages are completely different, yet have been conflated in Western society. It's completely possible to marry in a Church and have it official in the eyes of God, but not the civil state. Likewise, it's completely possible to marry in a judge's office and have it official in the eyes of the state but not of a religion.

However, since the two have been conflated, right-wing nutjobs have done a good job in pushing their religion's interpretation of a proper marriage onto the civil state, thus keeping gay people from marrying
in most places. Like I said above, I read Fark threads for the entertaining flamewars because people say really stupid things, and I find that funny. However, I was happy (and surprised) to see some intelligence there).

Have a nice day.

Best, Andrew

Well...color me surprised! My lowly opinion vindicated. And I'm a genius for it! (Did you get that part, friends?) Anyway, this guy wrote back to joke a little about the trolls and self-proclaimed experts on Fark and to ask "Was your insight just a momentary act of brilliance or do you have experience in a related field of thought or academia that lent to it?" This is what I wrote back. I think this (combined with my above statement) accurately and concisely sums up my views on gay marriage. And to think, I'm not even an expert or academic of any kind!

Ha - I know what you mean about ignoring trolls and self-styled "experts." As for my background, about the only info I bring to the table on this is a whole passel of gay friends. I live in Dupont Circle (similar to the Castro in San Fran for it's percentage of gay residents) so I've discussed this issue many, many times with many, many people. I guess I've just always seen "marriage" as a religiously-charged word that indictes a religious union, not necessarily a legal one.

Along the same lines, I hate the argument that being gay is a choice (vs. being biological or "natural") and that that somehow factors into why gay marriage should be illegal. No one is forcing all the biologically, naturally straight people to get married either...that too is a choice.

Seriously...what kind of morons are falling for this obvious political smokescreen? Is it not abundantly clear that we've got more pressing issues than whether two gay people are allowed to file a joint tax return and collect survivor's benefits for one another? Jeesh. Somewhere along the way, we Americans have completely lost the ability to prioritize.

Beware the Goths and the Nuns

2006-06-30T11:30:00.000-04:00

This is an awesome flowchart...and if there's one thing in life that I appreciate, it's a good flowchart. I think of this as a nice companion piece to go with some of my friend Ben's antichrist-related posts.

Supergroup!

2006-06-20T12:01:00.000-04:00

I turned my TV on the other day, and voila...a new guilty pleasure was discovered: Supergroup on VH1. I don't know whether my Tivo sensed that this show would ring my bell, or whether I had luckily been watching something else on the channel when last I turned off my TV, but let's be honest...this show reads as though someone greenlit it solely for my entertainment!

Let's meet the band members!

Sebastian Bach, vocals. Formerly of "Skid Row"... aka one of my favorite groups circa 7th grade

Jason Bonham, drummer. Son of the legend John Bonham. A lot older than I would have thought...what, was he like 20 when Zeppelin broke up?

Ted Nugent, guitar. Nothing more needs to be said...he is a legend, even after Damn Yankees.

Scott Ian, guitar. Formerly of Anthrax and every clip show about metal/rock shown on MTV or VH1 since 1990. Mysteriously, he never ages. Also seems like a geniunely nice dude.

Evan Seinfeld, bass. [cue the crickets] Formerly of Biohazard. Seriously VH1, this is the best you've got? His presence in the Supergroup will be explained shortly.

Five aging rock stars + one Las Vegas "group house" + 12 days to write new songs, pick a band name & promote yourself for an upcoming gig = hilarity. Actually, 4 of the 5 people in this band are relatively normal (that's including The Nuge). I'm giving Evan Seinfeld, seeming the junior member of the Supergroup, a pass because he brings something extra to the table: his porn star girlfriend. See, he's her manager, so she lives in the Supergroup house too so that they can continue to concentrate on their business when the band isn't working. Really, it's a very logical plan. Amidst this band of rockers, who then is the true standout you ask? None other than the man who brought you "18 and Life," the 6'5" mouth of rock himself: Sebastian Bach.

Now, if you find yourself a part of VH1's "Celebreality" programming, you probably should refrain from throwing stones. The exception to this reality TV rule is truly evident on this show. I believe it is Jason Bonham who states that Bach has "The emotional maturity of a six year old." Never is this more hilariously apparent than during the naming of the group. Pretty much everyone has decided that Godwar (it's Raw Dog backwards!) is a great name for the group (which it's not, but I digress)...then comes the dissention. Bach spends literally the next 3/4 of the show attempting to convince his band mates, their manager, the clerk at the liquor store and anyone else who will listen that "Savage Animal" is a much, much better name for the group. His method of persuasion is simply repeating it over and over with the glee of a middle-school kid whilst making "rock hands." It's awesome. (I won't ruin it for you by revealing the final band name).

In addition, he makes everyone watch his cameo on the Gilmore Girls. I kid you not, he shushes The Nuge during an episode of the FREAKIN' GILMORE GIRLS. He gets tanked and makes a huggy spectacle of himself to Scott Ian, and tries to hook his girlfriend up with Seinfeld's porn star girlfriend. Overall, it's pretty brilliant to watch old rock stars get disgusted with one of their own.

The actual playing of music on the show tended to be less interesting than the behind-the-scenes drama. Go figure. I can only hope that subsequent viewings of Supergroup hold up to that first magical, Tivo-blessed viewing.

Commercials That Piss Me Off

2006-06-09T11:17:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's Tivo that's made me less tolerant of commercials recently, but there is one in particular that I hear every FREAKIN' morning on my way to work (it's a radio commercial) that makes me want to kill myself. It's almost enough to make me want satellite radio sometimes. I'm sure you've heard it...there a dramatic voice over accompanied by hipper-than-thou music waxing rhapsodically about how in California, at a bar, a distinctive beer is being served. In New York, at the same time, a mellow, tasteful beer is also being served. And the amazing thing is...it's the EXACT SAME BEER!

This is neither exciting nor amazing. It's a freakin' BUDWEISER product. Calling something distinctive, mellow and tasteful in the same breath is not all that unique...I'd say it's Beer Marketing 101. I don't know why I'm supposed to get excited about this...it's like getting excited about buying a Twinkie in LA and being amazed that the very same delicious Twinkie is available for consumption in Florida. For christsakes people...find a better marketing angle than that. It's called Interstate commerce and last I checked, it's been around a long, long time in the good ol' USA. Besides, Budweiser sucks anyway, regardless of the "Select Premium Extra-Special Dark Smooth Lager" label they may slap on it from time to time.

Unabashed Love for HBO, But...

2006-06-06T11:35:00.000-04:00

Since there's nothing in the theaters I feel compelled to review at the moment, I've decided to turn my attention to my first and truest love....Television. I indeed have an unabashed love for the programming on HBO...I think it's some of the best stuff on television (see also FX). But the Sopranos season finale this week was WEAK. With a capital W. It's as if they had something explosive planned, but then heard from the net that they were greenlit for 8 more episodes and suddenly all of their ambition just melted away. For Christsakes, if I wanted a season finale that ended with a happy Christmas dinner scene, I'd have watched "The Waltons." Such a letdown. By the way, did the Christopher/Juliana hook up seem enormously contrived to anyone else? That's one thing this show usually stays well away from. Ugh.

On the other hand, the season finale of Big Love was BRILLIANT. That show has grown on me significantly, and now I'm totally hooked. The look on Barb's face when she was pulled off the Mother of the Year stage was horrifingly priceless. Looking at the season as a whole however, Chloe Sevigny deserves an Emmy. She's a genius as Nicky and has managed to nicely reverse the suspected career suicide that was The Brown Bunny. Cheers to her for taking on controversy. So, is Alby dead? What will the fallout be now that they've been discovered? Does the fate of the HomePlus empire stand in the balance? By the way, leaving someone in the hospital with a tag that says "Alby Grant - Drank Antifreeze" is not a good way to get someone medical attention.

Speaking of polgamists, my friend Susie was touring with a theater company for the last few months. Her troupe actually visted and performed at a Polygamist compound out west. According to her expert account, the clothes and wierd hairdos in the show are right on...but the place itself wasn't nearly as creepy as they had expected.

Omens That Your Movie Will Suck

2006-06-01T11:51:00.000-04:00

Every time I think I've moved beyond my anger about the remake of The Omen, I'm confronted by something that reinforces how much this movie is going to suck, and I get all riled up again. This article is all about the "curse" that befell the filmmakers working on the flick. Can you say "lame, transparent publicity stunt?"

I also made the mistake of trying to watch the History Channel's multi-hour Demons & Curses Omen stunt a couple of weekends back. The first hour (to which I tuned in halfway through) was pretty cool. Lots of good history, interesting material, fun old paintings of demons and stuff...but it was obvious that whenever the producers had run out of interview footage or historical documents/pics to make their point, they used footage of some actor hamming it up as the Hypothetical Antichrist. Fine...if they had used it once or twice. But no. They used the same few shots of this guy in antichrist mode 2-3 times in the last half hour of show one. Moving on to hour two and...what's this?...oh no, it's Hypothetical Antichrist guy again! Seriously, this guy bookended nearly every commercial break. Enough fake antichrist already. I get it. Enough.

Nachos With Extra Cheese

2006-05-30T18:30:00.000-04:00

I was walking through the Wheaton mall the other day on my way to Target when I noticed an obscene number of obscenely large posters of Jack Black in a somewhat obscene spandex outfit shilling for a new movie called Nacho Libre. Having not seen a trailer on TV yet and not being a huge fan of Jack Black, I was curious, but let's just say I wasn't running out to check my local theater times quite yet.

Anyway, I have since checked out the trailer and was subsequently compelled to review it. I know this may be shock to people...but I like cheesy movies. Additionally, thanks to my good friend John Terp, I have an excessive amount of knowledge about Mexican wrestling that I need to share. Lastly, even though this movie appears to be ridiculous, it comes with a decent comedy pedigree worthy of some curiosity at the very least.

Jared Hess, writer/director of Napoleon Dynamite, directs what is sure to be a surreal and awkward movie about Nacho Libre, a soon-to-be famous Mexican wrestler. Jack Black plays said wrestler. From the trailer, he follows his dreams of becoming a famous wrestler by donning spandex, teaming up with the skinniest Mexican guy EVER, and entering himself in back-alley wrestling competitions, all in the hope of one day being a superstar wrestler like the Man in the Golden Mask, or as the Altavista Babel Fish program calls him "El Hombre con la Máscara de Oro" (not quite the funny translation I had hoped for, but I'll take it).

Nacho gets booed by old ladies and appears to get his ass kicked, and the resulting humiliation makes him give up his dream and join a monastery. There, he befriends the poor man's Penelope Cruz, they share some toast, and (if my movie clairvoyance serves me right) his new friend convinces him to follow his dreams all the way to the top, baby. Since Hess' last flick featured an uber-triumphant moment for the world's Ultimate Nerd, my guess is that Nacho Libre may get to battle "El Hombre con la Máscara de Oro" successfully as well. Just a hunch.

Will this movie be "good?" Questionable...it seems as though this film is going to follow the time-honored "underdog makes good" storyline. When you think about it, Napoleon Dynamite did too, but in a pretty meandering, interesting, unexpected way. Expect a lot of ND fanboys to love this and a lot of Indie/Arthouse movie fanboys to decry it as an outrage (because it's no longer underground, man). Whatever. I kinda like it when the underdog wins. So sue me.

Now for the part of my review in which I lay some Old School Mexican wrestling knowledge on you... The man in the golden mask is clearly modeled after El Santo, arguably the most famous and beloved wrestler in Mexico's illustrious wrestling history. Santo became a movie star in the 1960's through a number of movies in which he battled villainous foes in and out of the ring, including a mummy, Frankenstein's daughter, Dracula and a werewolf among others. I have never seen these movies...but my friend John Terp has. In fact, he's regaled me with minute-by-minute reviews of Santo vs. just about every foe he's ever battled. In discussing Santo vs. The Vampire Women, John had this to say: "Santo holds down 2 full time jobs -- he's on 24 hour call as a crime fighter and he's a professional wrestler. One of the most hilarious moments in "Santo vs. the Vampire Women" occurs when Santo has to leave the professor's daughter he is protecting to fight in a wrestling match. The vampire women want to capture the professor's daughter and initiate her into their ranks. Santo is all that stands in between the helpless girl and the vampire women -- and he leaves her because he has to show up for work at his 2nd job! Talk about just getting by. In case you were wondering,The vampire women abduct the professor's daughter."

In some ways, I think Hess picked a perfect subject for his Napoleon Dynamite follow-up. To quote John, a true Santo fan: "My favorite aspect of Santo is that he's truly a third world superhero -- he's got no superpowers -- just a silver alpha romeo convertable and the mask."

1,000 hits!

2006-05-30T18:24:00.000-04:00

As I prepare to post my most recent review, I would like to congratulate myself for nearly crossing the 1,000 hit mark on my counter. That's right...people have now visited this humble blog over 1,000 times. While that number may be comprised of my friend LBS getting bored at work and hitting it 300 times herself, or 600 random people clicking on my profile after I post something silly to fark, thanks to you all!

Prison is a Bitch

2006-05-17T14:06:00.000-04:00

I'm so tired of waiting for TVGasm, one of my favorite all-time websites, to update their Prison Break section that I'm moved to write about the show myself.

It is amazing. If you haven't been watching it religiously on Monday nights, Tivoing it, or didn't catch the FX marathon a couple months back, you should pray to the TV Gods that another marathon materializes sometime soon.

For those unfamiliar with the show, Wentworth Miller plays Michael Scofield, a structural engineer gone very wrong in an attempt to get thrown in prison. Why? To break his brother, Lincoln Burroughs, out of course. The first season has been copiously recapped (except for the LAST THREE DAMN EPISODES) via TVGasm, but here's a quick synopsis: Lincoln is on death row for killing the Vice President's brother, and his execution is approaching quickly. Michael did some structural work on the prison and therefore has blueprints to it, but cannot memorize enough of them to be effective, so he TATTOOS them on (hidden in the glorious design at left), robs a bank, gets thrown in the same prison (Fox River) as his brother, and begins his breakout plans. Along the way, he enlists the help of a few other inmates for very specific reasons: one guy has money, one can get a plane on standby, and one is his cellmate (he just kinda has to be in on it for logistical reasons). On the outside, Veronica, a lawyer and old flame of Lincoln, is working to clear his name (he didn't kill the guy). Another lawyer from a place called Project Justice (Nick ) joins her, but while they are making headway they also are being hunted by a couple of bad, bad government thugs, the worst of whom goes by the name Kellerman.

Nearly all of the above is set up in the first TWO episodes. As the season progresses, more and more cons end up learning about the breakout and all of them threaten to expose the plan unless they are brought in on it. In the hands of lesser producers and writers, this show would have derailed right about there...you've suddenly got about thirty characters between the inmates, the warden, 3-4 prison guards of note, 3 government thugs, the Vice President (evil), her "backers" (also evil), two lawyers, a re-appearing father figure and the prison doctor, Sarah Tancredi (her dad's also the Governor...how coincidental). But no...rather than derailing this show actually made a lot of these characters quite memorable, like the evil pedophilic inmate T-Bag. And yes, that is his name on the show (more proof of this show's awesomeness).

Not wanting to ruin it for my fellow Prison Breakers, I'll warn you now that I'm going to discuss the season finale. Take solace in the above picture of HOT Michael Scofield and stop reading now.

-------------------------------------------------------

I was on the edge of my seat during the actual break out episode, cheering OUT LOUD for them to make it over the fence (except for T-Bag...that guy should never see the light of day). In fact, I almost think that that episode should have been the season finale. The finale itself, however packed so many loose ends into one hour that I could barely contain myself. In order of what I can't freakin' believe:

-Did Westmoreland actually die? I am almost certain that he did...
-Nick...definitely doorknob dead
-T-Bag...jesus bloody stump on a stick, does he have any chance without a hand?
-Haywire...nice misdirection, producers. He can't get far in a wack shack suit and football helmet, can he?
-President Ms. Bitch...again, nice misdirection. Apparently she CAN, in fact, get things done

And for the biggest shock of all...do you think they really killed off Tancredi?

Does this show require huge "suspension of disbelief"? Yes. Is Veronica both annoying and stupid? Yes. Is the show amazingly addictive with an awesome cast, witty writers and some ingenious plot twists? YES.

To tide me over until fall (when my TV additiction comes back on for season 2), I'm open to any and all speculation on the fates of our intrepid cons...Michael, Lincoln, Sucre, Westmoreland (R.I.P), Tweener, C-Note, T-Bag, Haywire and Abruzzi.

No One is Heeding the Omen

2006-05-12T13:39:00.000-04:00

I went to my usual source for trailers today (Apple's trailer site) to find something new to review, when I saw a trailer for The Omen. I've heard very conflicting things from horror fans about this movie thus far, most along the lines of "The Omen looks AWESOME" and "The Omen is going to SUCK." It seems to be very polarizing amongst my people. Upon viewing it myself, I'm sad to say that I'm firmly in the suck camp.

The basic story is this: a diplomat and his wife adopt a boy who turns out to be pretty bad news. He has a mysterious backstory the father works to discover as people associated with the boy and the mystery either die off at an alarming rate or become fiercely, insanely protective. I'll save for those who haven't seen it most of the big revelations.

If there were ever a horror film that doesn't need to be re-made, it's The Omen. Consistently listed in the top 20 all-time horror film lists of legitimate and armchair critics alike, it doesn't need a modern "update." The pacing, mood and cast of the original were awesome (Gregory Peck does horror...so good) and there was something really great about the atmosphere of the first film. The 1970's setting and UBER-creepy kid (before creepy kids were de rigeur) helped put it over the top into "classic" territory.

As for the remake, it just looks...slick. There's way too much going on in the trailer for my taste. Exploding windows? Check. Hangings? Check. Menacing gorillas? Check. I don't remember any robed demons in the original either, and I don't remeber thinking, "Gee, this movie would be a lot better with some demons in robes." What makes me really sad is that there doesn't seem to be any hint of Robert Thorn (the beleaguered father in both movies) traveling to the Middle East or graverobbing in the Italian countryside in order to unravel the mystery of his adopted son, Damien. In my opinion, those were some of the most interesting parts of the original. Instead, it appears that Mr. Thorn and his traveling companion take an unfortunate detour into Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings.

[Editors Note: I tried desperately to take a screen grab of the LOTR moment in the trailer for this space, but methinks Fox isn't keen on bloggers taking screengrabs from their trailers since all I got was a black box over and over. Instead, I've illustrated the scene for you below. You're welcome.]

What surprises me is the quality of the cast they assembled for what will surely be derided as an unworthy retread - Julia Stiles, Liev Schreiber, Mia Farrow and Pete Postlewaite are all quality actors. Who convinced them that hitching their wagon to this project was a good idea? Curses upon you, Hollywood Decision Makers. Stop remaking my beloved horror classics from the 70's, or I shall continue to flog you publicly in my blog!

Happy Mother's Day

2006-05-09T18:28:00.000-04:00

I'm usually underwhelmed by viral video...but this is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while. Click the pic for the video.

How Unfortunate for Us All

2006-05-05T14:39:00.000-04:00

How does one describe a room filled with more than its fair share of guys? Why, you call it a "Sausage Party," of course.

To describe the opposite (a party/office/GYN waiting room filled with women) my friend Joreida has coined a VERY, VERY unfortunate new term...a "Milk Party." Use it at your own risk.

Food Porn

2006-05-02T13:54:00.000-04:00

Ah...television. It pays my bills AND takes up a lot of my unstructured free time...how I love thee. Anyway, for those of you that haven't discovered TVGasm, one of the funniest websites out there, I implore you to check it out. They recap shows in HILARIOUS fashion.

Today, they have a brilliant photo expose on a failed Giada DeLaurentis culinary experiement. Ever since I heard someone refer to her show as "food porn," I have not been able to watch it without snickering. Try it...there are porno-riffic close ups of food paired with suggestive music sprinkled throughout each episode. It could be turned into a Food Network drinking game very easily. Anyway, click here for the funny.

Do I Smell a Theme Park Ride?

2006-04-27T11:46:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long hiatus everybody - I moved, went to Williamsburg, VA to celebrate Erin Shy's 30th birthday, and took a last-minute trip to the Caymen Islands all in the last three weeks, hence my absence from the blogworld. Anyway, I'm back and perhaps better than every baby, because the whole world looks better when you have a tan.

Speaking of my tan, which I got on an island at which cruise ships dock frequently, I shall now review Poseidon. And that, my friends, is called a segue.

I've watched two trailers for Poseidon, this one and this one. The second is much more engrossing in my opinion, and actually makes me want to see this movie. The first makes it look like a somewhat lame-o remake, complete with many "Titanic-esque" moments. I hated Titanic until the damn ship sank 2 hours and 45 minutes in...if only it could have taken Billy Zane and his terrible acting with it. The second Poseidon trailer however, is a different story. I nearly had a disastergasm right on the spot.

Anyone that knows me knows that I love disaster movies and carnage. I also love Andre Braugher, so I'm excited to see that he's in this film as the cruise director. It's New Year's Eve and Andre is welcoming a shipful of richie-riches to an ultra-lavish gala. There are a number of sub-plots brewing already, many surrounding attractive young men and women in the midst of getting together. One of particular note involves Emily Rossum and Josh Lucas, who apparently had an awesome life when he was broke, but is not so happy now that he's loaded (This is really just a slight twist on a Titanic theme, but who's counting?). Anyway, our subplots, *ahem* lovers will not have a chance to get it on before an ENORMOUS moon-engulfing tidal wave hits the ship. Apparently the only warning the ship gets is from the vaguely-psychic captain who proclaims, "Something's off" just moments before a ginormous wave flips the ship completely upside down. You'd think there'd be SOME kind of system for telling ships at sea that 200 ft. waves are approaching. Apparently not.

Chaos ensues. Lights blow out, water gushes in, and people crash to their death in spectacular, tuxedoed glory(another Titanic moment, but of the very best kind). Suddenly, there are multiple bands of survivors trying to, well...survive. Kurt Russell, in a very "Escape from L.A." sort of way, decides to lead a band of people off the ship. Josh Lucas, in a very Titanic-esque way, assures his lady love and a handful of others that he will lead them to safety, and Andre Braugher goes with the time-honored "If we just stay here and be calm, we'll be rescued." I don't know about you, but "stay here and be rescued" guy only wins in 1/2 of The Day After Tomorrow and in no other disaster movie I have ever seen.

It appears that Josh Lucas and his people, intent upon getting out, join up with Kurt Russell's group and then suspensefully weave their way out of the upside down cruise ship. Things explode, heroic feats of strength are displayed, yada yada. Even money that Andre Braugher's character dies and that Kurt Russell, after selflessly protecting/saving others, also dies. IF that does happen, I also predict that he will pass sage words of advice to Josh Lucas just as he gasps...his...last...breath. Most likely, those words of advice will involve something about living each day like it's your last, not having regrets and finding true happiness again. Clearly, this is a straight-ahead suspense/adventure movie destined to be decried as having a "great cast" but "not living up to the original." In the "great cast" category, we have Josh Lucas, Emily Rossum, Richard Dreyfuss, Andre Braugher and cameos by Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas and Kevin Dillon (check out the poker scene in the trailer). The original however, stars Gene Hackman, Ernest Borgnine, Roddy McDowall, and Shelly Winters. Not a bad cast in its own right. Although I haven't seen the original, there is one thing I do know about it: old Shelley Winters got naked in it (and got an Academy Award nom for it). Something tells me that this movie will not have what it takes to out-do a naked Shelly Winters, but will be entertaining if somewhat vacuous fun.

Bizarro-World Lee & Travis

2006-04-13T10:40:00.000-04:00

Hey DCVC, tell me this doesn't look like a bizarro-world Travis and Lee...

Not as Smart as I Think I Am

2006-04-03T11:17:00.000-04:00

So it's done...my big roadtrip to NY with Brian and Bruce to audition for VH1's World Series of Pop Culture. Although the tryouts were tons o' fun, we will not be appearing on VH1 any time soon (unless the producers use the shots they took of us lined up in the hallway prior to taking the test). It's ok to say that you were "on the show" if you appear in a cut-away during the opening montage of something, right? Anyway, as for the questions, I had to sign a confidentiality agreement, but I will say one thing: Trivial Pursuit this was not. These were questions you either knew or you didn't and if you didn't, well...you were getting a lot wrong and going home. Hence us returning to DC winless. Oh well.

We did have a great time on our little roadtrip however. Saturday evening post-test was spent in Ciro, a restaurant at 8th Ave. and W 49th St. in Manhattan. I've got mad love for the staff there...they let us hang out for about 5 hours on a Saturday with nary the dirty look. They also make a mean carrot cake. Very nice. Brian and Bruce looked up some old actor friends from their crazy days at Kings Dominion, the Paramount-owned theme park outside of Richmond. Apparently, they were all involved in a kids show called "Mega Mess-o-Mania" (aka my own private hell). Anyway, I got to enjoy a fascinating evening with some actors and actresses working to make it in NY. It's a tough life, but god bless them for going for it.

Sunday we had brunch with Brian's cousin, also an actor, who lives in a great building specifically for actors and artists getting their start in the Big City. Very cool. I'm glossing over this part solely because I'm SO excited to describe our next stop on our whirlwind tour of NYC...New York Costumes.

Now, I've scoured the internets looking for a site for this place, and I can't find one. I do know that it's on Broadway near 10th next to Grace Church and that it's AMAZING. We're talking flat-out ridiculously amazing. This guy has some great photos of the place...but they don't remotely do it justice. Imagine two huge floors of well-organized Halloween bliss. We're talking everything from ornate rental costumes to your standard plastic Superman tie-over-the-clothes type of thing. In fact, for each major superhero and genre of costume, there is an entire SECTION devoted to it. Star Wars? Why, let us direct you to the Star Wars section, with costumes for toddlers up through and including a working glass light sabre. Pirates? Right this way to our PIRATE SECTION...complete with a life-size she-Pirate you could rent for parties. Of course, this place attracted suitably eccentric employees too, and that's part of the awesomeness. Where else could I have overheard sincere advice given to an aspiring drag performer? Anyway, I have a new love and thy name is New York Costumes.

Three Days and Counting...

2006-03-29T15:51:00.000-05:00

Ah yes, just three short days until my intrepid teammates and I journey to NYC for our game show audition. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm damn excited and have been studying for the big event around my work and moving schedule for a while now. What is more interesting than the tidbits I've actually LEARNED are the tidbits I've learned I already knew. Some examples? Let's see...

- Silvio Berlusconi, the Prime Minister of Italy, is the European world-leader who covered up recent hair plugs by wearing a white scarf around his head during a visit with Tony Blair in 2004

- Rod Stewart used to be a gravedigger

- David Lee Roth is the former Van Halen member who began training to become a paramedic at the ripe old age of 50

- I can identify a visually obscured headshot of Antonio Sabato Jr. in record time

This is simultaneously why I'm a good potential game show contestant and an enormous, enormous nerd. FYI, If you'd like to see how my friends Pat and Jeff did at their audition, check out Pat's blog.

Fearsome things...

2006-03-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

Found this on the internets today with the following caption:

"The only thing more fearsome than a shark, is a bear holding a shark."

Thank you fark.

The "Thai Kitchen" is Closed

2006-03-21T14:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not normally one to review food items, but today I'm going to make an exception. Usually, I cook my own food from unprocessed ingredients...I'll bake up a chicken, cook some green beans, bake a potato and voila...lunch and/or dinner. Yesterday, on a trip to Whole Foods, I decided to get a little creative and try to get on board with this whole "convenience trend," so I bought a product called Thai Kitchen Noodle Cart Single Serve Size Thai Peanut Instant Rice Noodles & Sauce. Let me tell you, this whole convenience thing is WAY overrated.

Though the picture is small, behold lovely rice noodles in a delicate peanut sauce. You can practically hear the squeaky wheels of a Thai noodle cart just by gazing at the box. Unfortunately, although I more or less followed the directions, the noodles soaked up so much water that they instantly turned into a white, congealed gooey mess. In fact, when I opened the microwave I saw that a few brave noodles had even tried a daring escape, veritably leaping out of their included plastic microwaveable tray. Sticking with my experiment, I added the oil and seasoning in a vain attempt to create the "sauce" of which this product boasted. Instead, I ended up with a white, congealed gooey mess studded with tiny peanut chunks. Yum.

I thought to myself, "Maybe this is merely a cosmetic difference...maybe it will TASTE just fine." No. I'd like to proclaim here and now that it did not "taste fine." It in fact tasted like starchy, plastic-y noodles covered with peanut bits...a point I confirmed with three co-workers willing to substantiate my findings. Thanks guys.

I could widen this review into a modern-day fable by pointing out that "You get out of something what you put into it" and "In life, there are no shortcuts." Instead, I'm thinking of complaining to the Thai Kitchen people. Maybe I'll get coupons or something.

Beware the Syph

2006-03-16T18:19:00.000-05:00

I'm going to go ahead and review another movie I'm pretty sure no one cares about, but which gave me nearly an hour and a half of hysterical laughter and joy...She's Too Young, care of the Lifetime Network.

For my money there is nothing, NOTHING more unintentionally funny than the movies shown on Lifetime. I feel as though Lifetime programming executives concoct all of their plots from a menu of characters, situations, crises and ailments. For instance, complete the following plot synopsis by circling one option on each line....

My
Mother/Daughter/Grandmother/Sister
Was
Kidnapped/Raped/Murdered/Otherwise Maimed, Attacked or Molested/Harassed/Turned on to Drugs/Turned on to Prostitution/Infected with Something
By a
Bad Husband/Jealous Boyfriend/Otherwise OK Boyfriend/Male Stalker/Creepy Boss/The Captain of the Football Team/Man

There, I've described every film in Lifetime's movie schedule for the next three years. You're welcome.

Anyway, She's Too Young is a doozy. It stars Marcia Gay Harden (a good actress! Where's Lindsay Wagner when you need her?) and Alexis Dziena of TV's Invasion as Trish and Hanna Vogul, a mother and daughter duo living in nowhere American suburbia (The dad barely does ANYTHING in this entire film except look concerned, therefore this is the last time you'll be hearing about him). There's nothing special about the family or their nondescript hometown...which is why it's supposed to be super frightening when 15 year old Hanna gets...duh Duh DUNNNNN...syphilis.

It is at this point that I'd like to bring attention to the movie's tagline, "To fit in, you've got to put out."

Yes, poor Hannah has contracted the dreaded syph, and her entire school is abuzz with speculation as to the givers and receivers of said VD. You see, lots of people at Hannah's school have been turning up with syphilis...so many that the school nurse has sent out an all points bulletin to the entire school warning them that perhaps, if they too have been dirty little freshmen, that they should get tested for syph. This of course gives the nurse ample opportunity for lengthy monologues all about syphilis and how it is spread. The "Principal," yet another completely ineffectual male, also gets an earful of teen sex statistics once there is a looming outbreak. Thanks, buzzkill.

Hannah is pretty quiet about her affliction, at first sharing the news only with her nerd-with-a-heart-of-gold-friend-who's-a-boy-but-not-her-boyfriend-friend. The others...well, they're more vocal about it. In one PRICELESS scene Nick Hartman, star athlete and all-star syph-spreader, tells the nurse (and everyone in the waiting room) that if he's got syph she'd better test everybody, because he's been banging A LOT. Awesome.

Eventually, Hannah's erratic behavior clues corporate executive Mom in to the fact that there may be a problem (By the way, kids with stay-at-home Moms never catch VD). Inevitably, there is a mother-daughter confrontation, during which 15 year old Hannah eventually yells "I have SYPHILIS...OK?!?!" at the top of her lungs. It was at this point that my roommate walked in, and my love of Lifetime...Television for Women was discovered. Anyway, Hannah explains that all she did was go down on Nick Hartman, and only to fit in and be cool. Hannah sweetie, that trick only works in COLLEGE.

Mom is horrified and proceeds to talk to everyone in town about how her daughter got the syph, even going so far as to set up a town meeting for parents to talk about their kids' syph-catching ways. Additionally, she holds personal meetings with other parents to talk about syphilis, including ones with Permissive Hot Mom, Deluded Christian Mom, and Rich Disaffected Mom (who happens to be the mom of Patient Zero, Nick Hartman). This of course horrifies Hannah, but too bad...this working Mom's gotta take care of business...her daughter's lady business that is. Sorry.

At this point in the film, we also get to see what kinds of pressures girls face these days just to "fit in." Boring, except for the fact that the daughter of Deluded Christian Mom is of course banging everything in sight.

Hannah's been ostracized at school, fondly referred to as "that chick with VD and the crazy VD-obsessed Mom." Of course, her friend-who-isn't-her-boyfriend has been seeing her through this whole crisis, and in a sweet high school moment admits his love for her. They kiss. Awwwww...then Hannah mounts him and goes STRAIGHT FOR HIS CROTCH. I kid you not. Of course, in TV Movieland, nice boys like him tell girls that waiting and taking it slow is a great idea...they have forever to get to know each other "that way," so why don't they just cuddle blah blah. Hannah responds with what might be the greatest line of dialogue in the entire film, "It's ok, it's been two weeks...I don't have syphilis anymore." Ah, young love.

Mom meanwhile is just SURE that her daughter is off playing hide-the-salami with more members of the football team, so she uses her IM account to find out where the party at and heads off on what would soon be a very revealing fact-finding mission. Seriously, this high school party was 1,000 times more exciting than anything I ever went to, and I'm pretty sure things haven't changed THAT much in 10 years. What's the coup de grace you ask? Drinking? Drugs? Oh they're there, but they're just the warm up. How about a girl pulling a train in the spare bedroom? Choo choo! I mean... ding ding ding!

Mom is suitable horrified and tears out of there in a panic. Meanwhile, Hannah has taken her friend's desire to "take things slow" as rejection, and in a nonsensical subplot heads to the very same high school party in search of her friend, the Christian Soldier (who happens to be busy with a three-way in a parked car...seriously). Since it wouldn't be a Lifetime movie without the threat of at least one rape, she gets attacked by a lurking predator before being saved by the camera phone-armed friend-who-is-now-her-boyfriend. He takes her home to Mom, the syph has been cured for dear Hannah, and everyone has learned an important lesson...namely, do NOT go down on Nick Hartman. That guy is DIRTY.

Of course this movie was followed up by the obligatory public service announcement about syphilis, which was only missing the "The More You Know" banner. On a side note, I have to add that I was creeped out in general by Hanna's mounting and probing of the friend-soon-to-become-her-boyfriend. The actress (Alexis Dziena) has a seriously weird Lolita vibe about her on Invasion too, and I couldn't put my finger on it until I looked her up on IMBD. It turns out that she's actually 22 but looks MAYBE 15. Mystery solved!

Alright you Freshman Bitches!

2006-03-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

For those of you NOT in Washington today, you are truly missing one of the greatest things about this town...the randomly unseasonable weather we occasionally get this time of year. It's sunny, breezy and about 75 degrees and I couldn't have a worse case of spring fever right now if I wanted to. Of course, this has set my mind wandering back to my favorite film rite-of-spring, Dazed and Confused.

I love this film. It's in my top 10 personal favorites list (a list I will work to publish here sometime in the future). It's got well-known actors prior to their "big breaks," funny dialogue, quotable lines and not one but TWO count 'em TWO awesome soundtracks (Any soundtrack featuring "Summer Breeze" by Seals & Croft automatically gets the "awesome" tag, FYI). There are hot guys for the girls, hot girls for the guys and vice versa for all my gay friends. Additionally, it is set in the 70's with prodigious displays of 70's men's fashion. Ben Affleck also gets a bucket of paint dumped on his head, and young Mitchy gets drunk, high and makes out with an "older girl" all on the eve of his high school career. It's a glorious ode to summer, and one which makes me wish I had a "party at the moontower" to attend this evening.

I'd also like to note here that for the record, in high school I was very much like the red-headed nerdy girl who ends up getting hit on by a skeevy Matthew McConaughey. Except I didn't have a car.

More Thoughts About Oscar

2006-03-07T15:53:00.000-05:00

Now that I've recovered from Crash's big win, I thought I'd wax philosophical on another part of the Oscar experience: the pre-show. First of all, I'd like to say that I hate Billy Bush with an unrivaled passion. He's a horrible interviewer and the king of awkward-but-not-awkward-enough-to-be-funny moments. Secondly, he just seems like a smug little prick, and I was glad to see him fired from DC radio years ago.

I would like to commend Vanessa Minnillo on her red carpet skillz, however. She actually managed to avoid embarrassing herself, looking as though she actually has done some research in her life as a journalist. For instance, asking Jake Gyllenhaal whether his parents, who are both "in the biz," help him choose his film roles was a decent question, and we were all thankfully spared another question about man-on-man kissing scenes. Although her interview with Paul Giamatti ran a touch long, overall I give her props. Good work Vanessa.

Next, Cynthia Garrett appeared to be channeling Zena Warrior Princess. If only I could find a screencap to prove it...

Good lord. Do NOT do a Google image search for Zena.

Paging all Racists...

2006-03-05T09:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the long "hiatus." This past week or so has been what my friend Erin named "the week your whole life exploded and was then quickly put back together." Not a bad description.

Anyway, I started this review pre-Oscars, and I'm finishing it now... not that my opinion of it has changed. I saw all the nominees for Best Picture this year, with Crash coming in just under the wire as my Saturday night viewing choice. Honestly...I can't understand people's fascination with this film and I certainly don't understand the Best Picture nod. There were definitely some worthwhile performances...Don Cheadle and Terrence Howard stood out to me particularly. But as I said to friends of mine watching it with me, it played like a character study in racist douchebags. Just a parade of them...one after the other. Most of them weren't even complicated racists...just your garden variety insulated-from-humanity jerks.

Perhaps that's the point. But ugh. That's the overriding feeling I got from the movie. I had my first "ugh moment" when Don Cheadle said his bit about all of us crashing into one another to truly feel something. Can someone say "pretensious philosophy major poetry assignment?" Ugh. It was then that I realized that I wasn't going to like this movie. It's pretty easy for me to take a judgemental view early in the viewing of a movie, but it's also pretty easy for a movie to change my mind. This one didn't.

I agree with other reviewers who have said that there were just simply too many characters for many of them to be developed really fully. Perhaps that's why Don Cheadle and Terrence Howard stood out...I think they had the most meat on their bones of any of the characters in the film. I also agree with reviewers who didn't appreciate the point of the movie being bludgeoned into them over and over, particularly when the bludgeoning was being done care of completely over-the-top characters. I'm looking at you, traffic stop fondling Matt Dillon.

Additionally, I didn't feel like some of the "redemption" scenes played well either, at least not for me. Sandra Bullock's character is an angry, bitchy racist hag and her friends are too. She falls down the stairs, only to find that the only person willing to help her is her hispanic maid. She hugs her, they share a moment, *tear.* The end. Your friends are horrible and self-centered and you don't realize it AT ALL until one of them won't interrupt their MASSAGE to come and get your hurt ass off the floor? Bludgeoning accomplished.

Althogether, I think the film took a really simplistic view of a really complicated topic and made their VIEW complicated by throwing every ethnicity, stereotype and character actor in Hollywood into the movie. I just didn't think the flick was nearly as deep and meaningful as it clearly wanted to be...which led me to view it as a trite "ensemble piece." Again, ugh.

Little Giant

2006-02-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

What was YOUR first experience with a "Little Giant?"

Failure to Make Any Sense At All

2006-02-21T16:17:00.000-05:00

Ah...long weekends, how I love thee. I've decided that for my next review of a film I have not seen, I'll be looking at Failure to Launch, the new Matthew McConaughey/Sarah Jessica Parker film. Though I managed to see one of the 3 + versions of the trailer during nearly every commercial break of every show I watched this weekend, I still decided I needed to re-watch it one more time before writing my review. As a result, I hereby give you one of the most annoying and crappy movie websites ever. It is an incredible study in mixed metaphors. Seriously, the "partners" (aka predictable product placements) page alone makes me want to kill myself.

In the film, Sarah Jessica Parker plays a "Professional Motivator" who is hired by Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw to trick their 35 year old son, Matthew McConaughey, into moving out of the family abode. So let's see...this film stars SJP (usually good), Kathy Bates (usually awesome) and...hey wait, who the hell put Terry Bradshaw in this movie?!

Anyway, SJP has some sort of patented 12 step "get your lazy-ass son out of the house" program. It seems to be a one-two punch of dating Matthew (aka Tripp) and getting Kathy Bates to come down on him in front of his friends for not cleaning the bathroom. According to the bit of pop psychology you get in the trailer, Tripp is lacking in self-esteem...self-esteem which is usually fostered through dating. She will therefore be "simulating" a romantic relationship with him that will entice him to move out quickly and painlessly. Make sense? Yeah, me neither. On a side note, I'd love to create a business in which I call myself a "Professional Motivator," but actually get paid to date Matthew McConaughey.

Tripp and SJP enjoy romantic dinners together. She fakes having a sick dog so that they can "bond emotionally." All goes according to plan until she starts falling for him. At some point they go sailing and laugh...oh, the laughter. He pulls away, she freaks out. Then he realizes that he really DOES have feelings for her that are worth moving out of his parents home for and they get married and buy a condo and everyone lives happily ever after. The end. Romantic comedies are so predictable.

I do have to say that I'm incredibly confused about the premise of this movie, however. How exactly does one "simulate" a romantic relationship? Are we to believe that the original plan is to date him UNTIL he moves out, then somehow dump him in a way that does not make him run home to Mommy? Although Tripp clearly has committment issues, he doesn't seem to run from sex regardless of the fact that Terry Fuckin' Bradshaw might bust in at any minute. So additionally we're to believe that this a sexless fake relationship that is so awesome it convinces him to move out. If I were Kathy Bates, I'd have asked for some references before buying into this "program." And since when does dating foster self-esteem? In my limited experience, it seems to do precisely the opposite. Yes, it seems to crush it unceremoniously, like a discarded flower left on the sidewalk to be tramp...sorry.

My last issue with this film is the fact that somewhere at the end, it's going to be revealed to Tripp that not only did his parents hire someone to get his ass to move out, but they basically hired someone to date him, too. SJP's going to have to fess up to that as well, so my guess is that a lot of the romantic comedy tension at the end is going to be a re-tread of the old teen movie "I dated you as a joke but now I really love you, don't hate me" schtick.

I'll be honest, I don't usually like RC's. In fact, most of the time they totally suck. SJP and Matthew McConaughey are pretty likeable though, and I hope they make some sense of this flick. I also have to admit that after watching the trailer, Terry Bradshaw does not make me want to poke my eyes out, and that's saying something.

No One Cares About This Movie, But I Was Entertained...

2006-02-16T14:49:00.000-05:00

I know that if I want anyone to continue reading this blog, I'll need to pick and choose my horror reviews wisely, therefore I will be brief. I was pleased to watch Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings on cable the other day and let me tell you, that movie contains some unexpectedly awesome cast members. First, Roger Clinton plays the mayor of the bumpkin town in which the movie takes place. He's in full mullet regalia throughout, and they manage to work his guitar playing into the film. I believe he claims to have a gig somewhere. It's very awkward and very funny.

Secondly, it stars a pre-boob job Soleil Moon Frye. She's a teenager who realizes a little too late that burning down an old witch's house (with the witch inside) and using her spells to bring back the dead probably isn't a great idea. The original Pumpkinhead is a classic...this is not. Then again, the original doesn't have the President's brother in it, either.

Time to Get Quizzin'

2006-02-15T19:00:00.000-05:00

In preparation for my game show debut, I've been pondering this question: How does one define "pop culture?"

I define it as such: "Pop culture" consists of popular movies, books, television shows, celebrities and infamous happenings from 1970 to the present.

Does this seem like a fair definition?

Eight Below - Turn on the Waterworks

2006-02-14T09:40:00.000-05:00

I need to preface this review with a statement: I am not a "cryer." Sure, I'll tear up at the end of Schindler's List and movies like Steel Magnolias (even though I sort of despise movies like Steel Magnolias). Admittedly, I even got a little watery at the end of Titanic, much as I hate to admit it. But despite my usual stoic movie-going persona, I cannot make it through THE TRAILER for Eight Below without coming seriously close to full-on sobbing. Oh Walt Disney, how your cryogenically frozen creative genius still tugs at my heart strings!

Eight Below stars Paul Walker and eight big, fluffy bad-ass sled dogs. On an expedition to some part of Antarctica that sounds like "Melbourne," Paul Walker's human traveling companion (a doctor) falls down a ravine and through ice into the frozen depths below. One of the dogs heroically saves him, and they race back to base camp to get the good doctor airlifted out of Dodge. Unfortunately, the dogs have to be left behind. Paul Walker lovingly kisses them goodbye and promises to come back for them. Oh hot Paul Walker, if only it were that simple!

Then cinema's newest, most overused cliche rolls in - the STORM OF THE CENTURY - and they can't go back right away for the dogs. If the producers are smart, at this point the movie will shift away from focusing on it's human actors and will allow the dog-actors to take over entirely. They definitely catch fish and birds to stay alive, and from the trailer it appears that they discover some kind of dinosaur that tries to eat them. My biggest fear about seeing this movie is that Old Jack, the "Grandfather of the Group" will die doing something heroic and I'll subsequently die in the theater from dehydration after crying myself retarded.

It also appears that Paul Walker (he of the Keanu Reeves school of dramatic interpretation) actually does a fine job here too. Let's be honest though, I'd claim he did a "fine job" if all he did was stand there in a parka for 90 minutes. Anyway, even though I'm pretty sure I can predict the ending to this film now (give or take a few dogs), I really like tales of "survival against all odds" and this one looks as though it will deliver.

Useless Information is my Specialty

2006-02-13T16:35:00.000-05:00

It's official, my newly-formed pop culture trivia team, "A Team About Nothing," has landed an audition for a new game show. We're off to NYC the weekend of April 1st for a battery of tests and interviews to determine whether or not we are "TV-worthy." My greatest hope is that we make the cut solely for the fact that I believe the show is planning to shoot "human interest" pieces on each contestant. My friends are already planning ways to make it the world's most inappropriate personal profile. Something tells me I should not have listed my fondness for karaoke and my mad bowling skillz on the application.

Update! The Constant Gardener Has Been Watched

2006-02-12T19:07:00.000-05:00

Just a quick update on The Constant Gardener. Now that I've seen it, I can report that my review was not too far off. There are only three main points I would like address:

A) The wife isn't killed while preggers. She has the baby, it dies, THEN she's killed.
B) America doesn't actually figure into the government/pharmaceutical company conspiracy...but it does get a nice shout-out early in the film for the Iraq debacle.
C) There absolutely ARE African warlords in this film.

Why I Want to Blow Up the Entire Family Stone and Their Picturesque New England Home

2006-02-10T14:43:00.000-05:00

I realize that this movie is old and that anyone that wanted to go see it in the theater has probably already done so...my only hope is that I can influence at least one person to save their Netflicks pick, $3.99 at Blockbuster or $1.00 at the budget theater by encouraging them NOT to see The Family Stone under any circumstances.

Sarah Jessica Parker plays an annoying, stuffed-shirt hyper-exec and the wardrobe people working on this film chose to show this in the most exaggerated and obvious way possible. I'd guess that the creative meeting went something like this:

[Creative fuckwit #1] SJP is going to be the character we have a hard time with at first, but we need an easy, pedantic way to show her "loosening up" as the movie goes on...
[Creative fuckwit #2] I've got it! Let's dress her in nothing but grey suits for the first 2/3rds of the movie...regardless of the setting, the weather or how obviously inappropriate it would be, then get her drunk and make her wear her shirt in a disheveled manner.
[Creative fuckwit #1] OOOH...we can put her hair in a bun the whole time too! At the end, we'll make sure everyone understands the enormous emotional journey she has undertaken by putting her in a purple sweater and jeans...with her hair down. We're fucking geniuses.

So maybe the conversation didn't go like that, but that's certainly how they showed character growth in this craptacular movie. SJP goes to New England to meet her boyfriend's family at Christmas. No pressure there. He wants to marry her and plans on asking for dead Grandma's ring to make it official. The Stone Family hates her, so she tries harder. They hate her more, so she tries even harder. Then she makes some very, very un-smooth comments at Christmas dinner along the lines of "No one hopes for a gay son...I'm sure everyone just wants their kids to be normal." I haven't mentioned yet that the Stone brood includes a gay son, a deaf son, a son in an interracial relationship and one in the process of adopting a baby. How could any family so deftly hit upon so many societal touchpoints? Easy...make one character that is gay, deaf, in an interracial relationship AND in the process of adopting a baby. God I hate this movie.

So after managing to enrage everyone in the family, she calls her sister to come and console her. The boyfriend is still dead-set on marrying SJP regardless of what a bad idea that is. The other brother (Luke Wilson) takes her out to your prototypical dive bar to get her drunk and "loosen her up." The sister (Claire Danes) shows up and hits it off with the boyfriend/wannabe fiance...who then tries to hump her, which she denies. There are plenty of touching walks in the snow while the characters contemplate their miserable existences, then yet another touching moment at a bus station...in the snow. Will Claire Danes return the love her sister's almost-fiance has just expressed, or will she bolt? I'll save you the suspense...she gets the fuck outta town, y'all.

Of course, she doesn't stay away and ultimately the sisters and brothers in this movie pull a big love switcheroo, all in the span of about 3 days. Did I tell you that there's a wacky slapstick chase around the house set to the same exact music every holiday movie ever has used to illustrate a wacky slapstick chase? I also forgot to mention that the Mom has cancer. That's right...this movie, which was billed as a lighthearted family romp about acceptance and finding your true path in life also has the "dying of cancer" angle. These producers had it ALL covered. To top off this terrible, terrible waste of celluloid the hard-assed sister (Rachel McAdams) you've grown to despise over the course of the movie is redeemed at the end of the film by a gift... a snowglobe. Seriously, the chick goes weak in the knees for the most cliched movie gift of all time. What a fucking amateur.

Though I was begging for the movie to end there, it didn't. Viewers are instead treated to a flash forward to next Christmas, from which we are to believe that the love switcheroo of 2005 was actually successful and not at all awkward. Right. We also learn that Mom has now died of cancer. They try to sledgehammer home the point that good ol' Mom was (and still is) the glue keeping this wacky ensemble together, but honestly she was a pretty miserable human being throughout the film so you don't really care that she's dead. Overall, the movie is uneven and can't make up it's mind whether it's a drama or a comedy. It also relies on tired cliches and preposterous plot devices to make it's points. If you are me, you leave the film sincerely hoping faulty Christmas lights incinerate the entire Stone family in their sleep.

Note to Bruce: I didn't actually see "The Constant Gardener"...

2006-02-09T15:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah! I get to answer my first piece of reader mail:

Bruce Milton wrote:
...I've gotta admit, I thought you stopped abruptly on Constant Gardner. I felt like I was missing more you wrote and either it got erased or you had to quit writing and use the bathroom or something. I didn't feel it wrapped up. Should I see the movie? Do I have to be politically inclined to "get it?"

Bruce, you missed the part of the review in which I explained that I haven't actually seen The Constant Gardener, but I will still answer your questions about it: Yes, you should see it and no, you won't "get it," since you are not "politically inclined." The film's points about globalization and the long arm of American business/politics shall simply wash over you like a gentle rain.

The Constant Farmer...Gardener. Whatev.

2006-02-08T19:34:00.000-05:00

My dear friend Erin has requested a review of The Constant Gardener. This is one of those movies I'd really, really be dying to see if I were a better person. But let's be honest...I just saw Munich and I'd still like to see Syriana, and that's about all the social justice/awareness and earnest concern for the state of the world that this girl's got in her for a month of movie viewing. The triple whammy would likely send me running for the nearest copy of Dodgeball pronto.

Anyway, The Constant Gardener stars Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz (both names I managed to spell correctly without looking up on IMDB first. Go me). Ralph Fiennes is some sort of political attache and his wife is a doctor who helps save dying kids in Africa. I would assume that she has more to do with preventing everyday afflictions like polio and rickets and less to do with exotic diseases like ebola and the hanta virus, since this movie doesn't look like Outbreak 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Anyhoo, she gets pregnant, but is killed before she has the kid, thereby denying Ralph his wife and his first born in a cruel twist of fate. He then proceeds to figure out who killed her and why. From what I can tell, she is killed because of some wide-reaching conspiracy between pharmaceutical companies and the US government. Warlords may also be involved...I'm not sure. But then again, where would a good conspiracy theory movie set in Africa be without a fair measure of warlords?

Overall, it appears that the movie makes a thoughtful (if obligatory) point about how intertwined American business, politics and the fate of the known world really are (see also: Syriana; the nightly news). The title probably refers to America's constant "gardening" or select cultivation of and tending to discontent in other parts of the world for its own benefit. That, or Ralph Fiennes has time to grow some mean tomato plants in the midst of unravelling an international conspiracy of the highest order.

Munich...my inspiration, my first post

2006-02-08T12:20:00.000-05:00

In an effort to appease my friends, I have begun a blog. In my circle of friends (the DCVC if you will), I am known as something of a cinephile (thanks, Bill Shannon). I love movies and love reading about movies, but unfortunately I don't always go to them as often or as promptly as I'd like. Sometimes I'm asked what my opinion is about a movie well before ever actually seeing the film.

Unlike others however, the fact that I may not have seen a film does not stop me from reviewing it. I offer "reviews" of such films to the glee of my friends who usually proceed to see the film in question and then regale me with all of the ways in which my review was innaccurate/ridiculous. They must miss the beginnings of my reviews, which usually start with "So, I haven't seen it but I hear it's about this guy..."

My other tendency is to take points away from films that are not at all the intention of the directors, producers or actors starring in said films. And it is with this caveat that I kick off my first review....Munich.

I'll start by letting everyone know that I did in fact see Munich. Overall, I feel that the film was very well done...almost antiseptically so. Not that it wasn't gritty...there was plenty of blood and sex and guts and explosions...but they were somehow picturesque or overly glossy in this film, which to me was strange. Spielberg has a way of making a building explode operatically. Secondly, the film is about the endless circle of violence in the Middle East, and in chronicalling such a bleak lose/lose proposition the movie isn't particularly uplifting. You sort of figure that out at the very beginning of your 2 1/2 hour journey though, which makes the film feel long. Lastly, the movie IS damn long...certainly longer than it needs to be, although the length does help to build the paranoia that the second half of the movie relies upon for forward momentum.

Now that I've regaled you with a relatively serious, movie-nerd review of Munich, I'll tell you what really stuck with me about the film...Eric Bana is hot. Way hotter than he has any right to be in a movie about being a patsy/assassin for the Israeli government. In fact, I definitely held back the urge to giggle like a schoolgirl at a couple of Bana ass close-ups which were liberally sprinkled throughout the movie. I realized that this is what I got out of the movie...the part that will really stick with me in the long run...after seeing the lovely Eric on the cover of my roommate's copy of Men's Health.

The other thing I took away from the film: the 70's were way cool for men's fashion. Not because all the styles were, well...stylish. No, the 70's were way cool because men then were not afraid of loud prints, the color orange, tight pants, sideburns, or gi-normous sunglasses...all of which I hold near and dear to my heart, if only for the sake of irony. There was a "devil-may-care" attitude in the world of men's fashion then that I appreciate and wish would return. I spent a critical part of the movie admiring the main terrorist's sense of style. Check him out in the London street scenes (in which he has people to hold his umbrella for him) if you're not feeling me on this one. Additionally, Daniel Craig (the new Bond) is one of the main perpetrators of 70's style in the film, making me A) like him a lot more than I did pre-Munich and B) wish that there could be a wacky 70's flashback Bond film in the offing.

So that's it. Eric Bana is hot, and I wish my male friends would embrace diagonal stripes, long hair and bellbottoms if only for my amusement.